Love live holistically 

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Looking at what you do for a living, using my  journey from being a  single mother at 17. My life and circumstances led me to being evicted from homes, enduring domestic violence to gaining an Honours degree in Psychology. I went on to study a Masters in Counselling psychology and PhD, right up until today where I am living my passion helping others to find and follow their passion regardless of what life has thrown at them.

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Find and follow your passion (A chronological look at finding and following your passion)

This is  a mini guide to finding and following your passion.

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My aim is to share my story  in the hope it will inspire you, to find your purpose in life, make a living from your passion and live the life of your dreams.

Hi my name is Angela, I was born and brought up in England. I have lived in England all my life.                         Thank you for dropping by, I hope you gain something from my Blog.  I am happy to connect with you.

Lets talk about Holistic living – Remember Holistic living isn’t just about food, it’s about your whole being. That’s mind, body and soul.

I believe that everyone can and should live the life of their dreams. Believe it or not it’s possible. Everyone has a purpose in life, your purpose is what you are innately passionate about. Your purpose in life is to use your passion to help others. Some call it Destiny or living their dream. You know you are living your life's purpose  when you can't wait to get out of bed in the morning to get started, you would do what you do for free, you can't believe they pay you for what you do.

I believe that if everyone did what they were passionate about the world of work would be a better place.

This will be a series of talks about living your life holistically – This Blog is about YOU


This blog has spoken about what you 'Do for a living', from asking you 'how's work really'? to knowing your worth, onto the dreaded workplace bullying. I will now like to move on to  'Self'  'You' - Daunting thought. Most people don't even give themselves a second thought, and live their lives for others, in effect being someones' somebody.

This part of the blog will center on 'YOU' and what 'YOU'  can do for  'YOU' or more importantly, what  'YOU'  haven't done for 'YOU'.

As a parent, wife/husband or carer I understand that you can not always put yourself first. What I am here to tell you, is that you are as important as the people you care or work for. I am here to ask you to take that little space you crave out for yourself and make a difference to your quality of life.

See you on the inside. I will start the SELF blogs with 'WHO ARE YOU DIMMING YOUR LIGHT FOR'

Are you dimming your light ?

10th October 2016

Are you dimming your light so that others do not feel insecure in your presences?

Arise, shine for your light has come and glory of the lord is risen upon you (Isaiah 60:1 KJ Version)

You may have heard the song - This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Have you ever been in a room full of your peers, trying not to speak too much? Have you ever acted

un-knowledgeable because you didn’t want to out shine the speaker?

I have now grown to have my own persona, that when I enter a room of peers and colleagues, I am perceived with some uncertainty. I often get a feeling that people are unsure of me, a feeling of ‘what is she thinking’ I Sometime believe it is because I am a psychologist and people, may be thinking ‘What does she get from what I am saying’ . I no longer, try and fit in. I have learnt that I AM ME and will no longer try to dim my light because someone may feel uncomfortable in my presence. Should you meet me, you’ll find me approachable, should you get to know me, you will find that I am caring. Whatever else you perceive from me is your business, not mine. 

I refuse to try and be a shrinking violet or be like `Baby’ and sit in the corner. I will sit with everyone else and be counted. I will not hide away in-order to stop you from feeling uncomfortable. 

I am not saying that you should be the centre of attention in every gathering you attend. I believe that you should never feel that you HAVE TO be quite. You should not pretend that you are not present, all because your presence makes someone feel uncomfortable. NO NO NO, you matter your presence is as important as the person you are trying not to out shine.

Some questions for you.......Who are you trying not to out shine? And why? Is it a work colleague? Why is it that you feel you must be quite when they speak? Any person that makes you feel  less than is not someone you should be around. Is it your partner that makes you feel the urge to be quite when s/he speaks? Why are you not deemed to be on the same level as your partner? Why does s/he expect you to remain silent in their presence. Why does s/he make you feel less than?

Now, I understand that if you are in a meeting with your boss, and he or she is speaking, sure you need to listen. I am not speaking about common decency, etiquette, decorum or good manners. I am talking about your need to become a shirking violet around certain people. What will happen if you asserted yourself? Should you be around anyone who makes you feel less than?

Have you ever been shut down, by someone after you have told them about something you are passionate about? Have you ever been in mid sentence about your life, and your aspirations or dreams for your life, and you know that the person you are speaking to feels that your ideas are just flights of fancy, away with the fairies or just crazy?

What’s the worst that could happen?

This is what you do to your passion every-time it surfaces and you ignore it. Just like hiding your light under a bushel, you are hiding your talent or your passion under a bushel called life. If you find yourself worrying about what someone will say about your ideas, passion or aspirations, you are setting your light switch to dim. Stop dimming your light so other people don’t feel uncomfortable . 

Stop dimming your light so other people don’t feel uncomfortable . Stop dimming your light because someone has made you feel less than.

You tell someone your dream and they laugh, telling you that you have no chance of achieving it – If that happened your life would not end, you would have learnt something....not to tell that person about your dreams. Find like minded people to talk to. Find groups, social media has lots of groups – Google your passion and see what comes up. 

Why live in a dim environment, when you can light up your world. Finding and following your passion will illuminate your life, your world and more importantly, other peoples’ life. The worst thing that could happen is that you do not share your talent with the world.

We all have a talent, a gift that only we can give to the world. It may be singing (you know of a famous singer) It could be baking (you know a famous baker) Mr Kipling isn’t one of them! It may be speaking (you know a famous orator) But your community, your country, the world  hasn’t heard YOU sing, speak or tasted your baking. Your talent is unique to you. The world doesn’t need any more look-a-likes. You may have the same message as me, but would not be able to tell it like me, because this message comes from my perspective. I understand that a Red Velvet Cake is meant to taste a certain way. But I’ve had that cake many times and each time it has tasted different. That’s because it has come from different bakers. I have my favourite (Thank you, Kelly) and prefer to ask that person to bake it for me.  No one can do it like you, even if it’s been done before.

Picture by Fat Bear

I no longer dim my light, by trying to work for companies that would rather I shut up and sit down. My passion is to ensure people are treated equally, I also have a need to help people find and follow their passion which is far too strong, too loud to be put under a bushel.

What happens to a candle when you cup the flame? Your talent is that flame. Cupping your talent will dim it. You may end up putting it out all together. This is what we do when life gets in the way. We allow our passion to dim, instead of holding it high for all to see, literally. The higher you hold a candle, the brighter the room will become....try it.

As with life, I am here to live the life that was intended for me. I don’t want debt, I don’t want a 9 to 5. I don’t want to be told what to do and when to do it. I don’t want to have to ask Gods’ forgiveness for my feelings towards my work colleagues. I am my only employee and we get on pretty well. People tell me that I look healthier, more relaxed and happy. That’s because I AM. Nothing beats, waking up when I want to and going to bed having had a truly satisfying day. My light shines brightly for all who chooses to look my way.

Own your piece of your world. Be the centre of your bubble. Notice when you made your bubble the first person in it is you, then the other items, people, or situations enter. Be the centre of your world, by being in control you choose how to react to what comes in and what goes out of your life. Some one told me, that my writing was not good,  in-fact they told me that it was terrible. How I reacted made me not write for a while, feeling that maybe I couldn’t write for a living. Then life kept on putting me into situations in-which I had no choice but to write. I didn’t have any money for a lawyer so I did it myself. I can write, I love to write, I may need a proof reader and someone to correct my grammer (being dyslexic) Most of my family members has been asked, at one point or another to check the work for this blog. 

Whatever your talent is, God gives you the tools to do it. I’ve noticed that God does not see disabilities, when you are asked to do something, a way will be made. Did you know that Moses (in the bible) had a stammer? But was asked to lead the people out of Egypt. Moses may have wondered how can I lead people and I can’t even speak properly. David (in the bible) was a boy, when he was propelled to kill a giant with a sling shot. God does not see disability. We are the ones that notice disabilities, we decide what is going to hold us back.

T.D Jakes (an American ordained Bishop, author and filmmaker. Who has a congregation of thousands) has a lisp and was told that he couldn’t be a pastor because of it.

I also have a lisp but it has not stopped me making You tube videos or talking, my family can vouch for that .

Steven Hawking has a brilliant mind and has not stopped using it, to write books and communicate about the universe.

As parents, some of us feel that we have to work for an employer in-order to secure a constant wage. Working for someone else is a security blanket. What would happen if the company you worked for went bust and you couldn’t work there anymore? What would you have? In England you could apply for benefits to help you pay for food and the roof over your head. Another security blanket. I am not knocking it, I’ve been grateful for the benefit system for years. Consider this, what if you became your own security blanket? You may have thought that you was your families’ security blanket by working your job. But the company you worked for was the security blanket, not you. What if you became the security blanket, that gave more than a pay check to your family. What if you could leave a legacy. If this is too far-fetched for you to believe contact me.

Following your passion may take you out of your current place of work. In order to allow you to let your light shine, to allow you to spread your wings and fly. 

Many things begin to happen when you decide to let your light shine. First, it’s like there is a spot light on you. You hear the call of your destiny in the books you decide to read. You resonate with posts that you see on your social media pages. You begin to read this blog. For those shrinking violets out there, this may be uncomfortable (but you’ll get over it) The spot light gets brighter and floods the stage you are standing on, when you proclaim to yourself, friends and family that you are going to follow your passion, you then begin to take steps towards your new life. At this point a little light comes on in the heads of all that hear you say, you are about to change the equilibrium of their life, their insecurities begin to surface. (remember human beings don’t like change) If you can step back a while and watch this unfold, you’ll be surprised the form it takes. You will begin to hear their insecurities, they are not real reason why you shouldn’t follow your passion, they are just reasons to leave things as they are. These insecurities will seep through to you, because you are so use to dimming your light, you also enjoy your safe place and unconsciously don’t want change or perhaps you don’t want to rock the boat. One thing I have noticed about myself, is my mastery of not causing people unease, to my own determent most of the time. You have to get over this feeling of ‘they may feel uncomfortable’

As you may feel responsible for another persons’ unease, you again begin to dim your light. See how easy it is to dim your light? OK, So you have got pass the ‘Oh you are really gonna do something to change our way of living’ you decide to continue .....It’s here that your insecurities kick in, you’ve convinced everybody who is important to you, but you have not truly convinced yourself yet. Right here is when you need a mentor or someone to keep you on track, that someone will remind you that it is your time to shine and continue to follow where your talents lead you. As I do not want to repeat what I have written please read ‘Signs and Wonders’ found on this blog page or follow the link below. (Signs and Wonders)

Sometimes we need Signs or reassurances to let us know that we are on the right track. The more steps you take towards your passion the brighter your light will shine, whether you are a shirking violet or not, you will begin to get the voice needed to move you forward. You will find the voice to ask your boss for time off or for more pay and less hours! You will find the voice to tell your family to give you the time or help in-order to follow your passion. You will find the voice to tell your ‘B’ Friends to stay away or ‘fix up’. You will make time or space in-order to remove that cup from around your flame and shine. You matter in this world, and it’s not just to be somebody’s’ something. You weren’t born just to be a son/daughter wife/husband, sister/brother, niece/nephew. You was born with your own light, a light that flickers in a way that no other flame flickers.

What is your light doing now? Mine is shining , maybe not as brightly as i’d like, but shinning never the less.

Own your piece of the world by telling those important to you that you intend to follow your passion. What’s the worst that can happen if you let your light shine? Their insecurities? Own your piece of the world, be aware of what your light is doing now. Your flame is unique to your community, country and the world. They are waiting for your passion. To end this blog, a question. Who are you dimming your light for?


What are you withholding from others?

26th October 2016

No this blog is not about family secrets or any secret you may be holding. But we can come to that on another blog..(that should be a juicy one)

This withholding is much more subtle.

Do you withhold praise from another?

Do you play down someone’s efforts?

Do you purposely look away when someone deserves a pat on the back or even acknowledgement for what they have done?

Why do you do this?  I would really like to know.

I am not here to tell you what is going on with you psychologically, that may bring up too many Mummy and Daddy issues to go into here.

When you withhold praise, play down someone’s’ efforts or refuse to acknowledge a good deed or work. You have made a conscious effort to receive the same treatment.

I seem to come from a culture, that have a great poker face when in-fact they are happy, elated, glad and appreciative. I immediately take that poker face to mean ungratefulness. I know that isn’t very Christian or spiritual of me. I know that some people are not being ungrateful. However what they are doing, is making a conscious effort to damp down that emotion.

It was found, in a study by Chun Liu (International Journal of social Science and Humanity Vo14, No3, May 2014) that some cultures, namely Chinese show less emotions and choose to hold back their emotions. It is believed that ‘harmony is the best policy’ which is advocated as high morality of a cultivated Chinese society.

Jeanne Tsai, Stanford Psychology Professor and Tamara Sims, director of culture and emotion. found that culture teaches us which emotional state to value, and shape the emotions we experience. We are aware that Nurses, tend not to give anything away with their non-verbal communication. But I am not talking about being in China or a hospital, the above is to make you aware that some people are pre-disposed to showing or in this case not showing their emotions.

Who do you have in your life, that chooses to withhold emotions? Work colleagues? Is it a form of Work-Place Bullying? see my blog on that subject ( Is it your partner? Why do you feel they do this? Have you asked? There are some people who genuinely don’t show much emotion when given a present, they can appear somewhat happy but this is restrained.  In that situation, you know they are happy and you can feel that they appreciate your efforts. 

This blog isn’t about any of the above. We know that our children can be non-responsive at times, as they don’t realize what it took to present them with the things we do, again this is not what I am talking about. It is the deliberate repression of emotion, when they know it would make you feel good, appreciated, or acknowledged. Who is that in your life?

As adults, you may be thinking that we should be use to this type of reactions by now, we should be strong enough not to care about it, well we are all human beings with feelings so we do care.

The person who withhold their emotions from another is causing the effect they have chosen for us. That’s why we care, we care because it is a negative emotion. It is a ‘don’t care’ ‘don’t wish you well’ vibe that is being deliberately transferred to us. (Deep eh!) .This unwanted vibe has been sent and there is nothing the receiver can do, because it is directed squarely at the receiver. 

Often if someone doesn’t like you or you don’t get on, you try and stay away, why? because unconsciously you don’t want the bad vibe that will be present. When someone consciously withhold an emotion, we are in the firing line and cannot get away. Unless we become aware of the bad vibe that is coming our way, and can brace ourselves or reflect the vibe. How do we brace ourselves? Only when we truly believe that what we do is 100% given with love and a caring heart, can we stop concerning ourselves with the response of others. Most of us do not live in that world, we live in a work or home environment that centres around  impressing others. That could be the boss, our friends, our partner. So we manage their unresponsive behaviour by lying to ourselves, the self talk may go something like this ‘I don’t care what s/he thinks of me’ worst yet you may say ‘Maybe what I did wasn’t that good anyway’.  Who, in your life make you lie to yourself? Is it a work colleague? Is it your partner or a member of your family? Perhaps it’s someone you call a ‘friend’. Do you realize that what they are doing is not good? Do not just brush it off as ‘Oh, that’s just how they are’. Anyone who knowingly withholds something good from you is doing you a disservice. (Yeah deep)

You need to tell this person what they are doing. In fact start by telling them how it makes you feel when they withhold a compliment, an acknowledgement or praise. If you are the person that withholds your emotions or praise from someone, tell me why More importantly, ask yourself why and put yourself in the other persons’ shoe. How do you think they feel? Well you would be fully aware of how they feel! Because you would have fired that bad vibe like an arrow at point blank range...It would never have missed.

To find and follow ones passion is to give of one’s self in the form of services. Your talent, gift or passion is not yours to keep, but to give away. Whatever your passion, you will find it is to serve others. I bet you cannot think of one passion out there, that is solely for the person who has the talent. If you can let me know Giving is the most important part of finding your lives purpose. The world has been waiting for it for years. Don’t withhold it!

The process of finding and following your passion is one of self searching. One has to walk this journey alone. If you are a withholding person, work has to be done to correct that trait. If you are withholding from others it means that you have been with holding from yourself. How many things have you withheld from yourself? I can think of 101 things I use to withhold from myself. Here’s a few :- Sleep (2 jobs and a household to run) Food (too tired to cook) Food (too tired to eat) Anything new (too many debts) Charity shops are great, and although my circumstances has changed, I still frequent them when I have the time. Another thing I withheld was my Tongue yes my Tongue- I withheld the notion of speaking out against Work Place Bullying and some bad practices I observed, when I first started working in Care.

Now, my old work places wouldn’t have me back even if I paid them, for fear that I’d find something out of place. In order to function at my best optimum I need sufficient rest and nourishment. In order to follow my passion of helping others find and follow their passion, I need to be a good giver as well as a good receiver. I was asked by my niece, a few weeks ago, If I practiced what I preached? I said ‘yes, I have left my Job to do what I am passionate about’. How could I honestly say that I am following my passion and not ‘write’ How could I write, if I am working in an environment that causes me dis–ease, upset and most of the time allows me to have bad thoughts. How could I say that I was following my passion and allow others to present me with ‘bad vibes’ . My last job had such bad vibes, that it felt like I was in a whodidit movie. Everyone appeared to be looking over their shoulder at everyone else. You can not set out to help others or yourself if your own house is not in order. As mentioned in a previous blog. On the journey to finding and following your passion, your eyes will become opened to disrespect, people who present an obstacle will stick out clearly, your time will become more valuable and spent as you direct. Sounds spooky, but your passion takes on a life of it’s own and demands it. You will find your tongue or begin to distance yourself from anyone who presents a treat to your quest. (Are you really ready for this?)

To withhold your kindness, your passion, your gifts from others is a cause for concern. If you didn’t think this way, you wouldn’t be here reading this. Be a good giver as well as a good receiver. If someone is consciously withholding something from you, speak to them, telling them how it makes you feel. Should they continue to withhold kindness from you, you may have to re consider your relationship with this person. You deserve much more.

Knowing when to walk away.

16th November 2016

Do you know when to walk away from an argument? Or are you the type to stay until you win?

Perhaps you are the type of person who believes that you must help a friend until they live up to what you claim is fixed.

Both type of people are not putting their ability to the best use, you must know when to walk away.

Have you set limits to the amount of times something has to happen before you walk away?


When do you walk away?

 How can I walk away from a family member, you may ask.

When do I walk away from a job, friendship or even a marriage?

Answer to all the above is, when enough is enough. Maybe when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

It’s when you have reached your limit.

Only you know when your limit is reached. Only you know when the boundaries you have in place has been pushed, stretched or crossed.  Only you know when to walk away.

Anything that causes you dis-ease, dis- harmony to dis-trust or shows you dis-respect should be cause for concern.

Anything  that makes you feel less  should be a cause for concern, that is less liked, less than others or less valued.

Any situation that cause you to lose your tamper or lose hope should be up there in theconcern corner.

Some of the concerns above can appear on a trip to the supermarket. The situations I am talking about appear when dealing with close friends, family members and work colleagues.

I am not here to tell you when to walk away, that has to be your choice. I am here to wake you up to the fact that there should be boundaries to your giving. Giving your time, energy money and more. There has got to be a limit. I am also here to remind you that walking away is an option.

What’s your limit?

As an ‘A’ Person (see Who’s holding you back I worked out that it has taken me thirty years to realize that enough is enough of giving to people who have been taking my kindness as a weakness- Years of giving my time, my money, my energy and more to people who did not deserve or appreciate me. Following my passion has put a FULL STOP to a lot of the things I would ordinarily put up with. NO NO NO, I don’t do it anymore. It has stopped. Some of the people who use to gain from my giving have not changed or moved on with their life, but I have. Are you ready to move on

What type of person would fit this description: A person who continues to part take in a habit that is detrimental to their health ,wealth and well being . An addict springs to mind, what do you think?

Are you an addict to your giving? Take a step back and look at your giving habits. Are they cause for concern? Are your giving habits taking something valuable from you? Or do they enable you to gain something?

Lets look at what your giving habits, take away from you.

Depending on what you have been giving- Does it effect your health? Do you feel stressed out by the amount you feel you have to give? Does it leave you feeling empty or are there other feelings that surface after you have given?

Take a step back and look at your giving habits, you need to know when to stop and walk away from that type of giving.

What do you gain from your giving habits? Again depending on what you give away. What do you get in return. Do you get a thank you from an appreciative person, do you feel a sense of pride, because you was able to help? Or perhaps you gave something hoping to get something back in return. What was that something? Was it recognition? Acknowledgement? Or is it something else

Take a step back and become aware of what you give and why.......Ever done that? I bet some of your giving habits look like an addiction. Do you see an end or limit to your giving? Is there a boundry to your giving. Imagine  yourself as a full bowl of warming soup, You need to keep that bowl (you) full and give from the plate under it, you give from the excess not the bowl. (too hard to imagine?) I’ll give you a minute. Sounds selfish, but it’s the only way you are going to be able to work at your optimum. Any situation or habit that has you emptying your bowl, is a cause for concern and you need to walk away.

How helpful is your giving?

Do you help fix your friends? I know a few people who will help fix their friends at the expense of themselves.  Have you ever acted like somebody’s everything? And found that they just didn’t get better? What I am trying to say is that many of us are guilty of trying to help others until we fix them. I’m not talking about our children, but the close friends and adult members of our family. When you try to Fix people or be their everything, you feed them from your bowl of soup and not the plate under it, plus what you are doing for them may not be working.

Here’s how you find out whether you’re trying to fix someone. You find yourself saying ‘If they did this, they would be alright’ or ‘If I just keep on doing  X i’m sure they will change’ When you find yourself playing God in someone’s life, It’s time to evaluate yourself and look at your boundaries of help. Are you feeding others from your bowl? Have you considered that you may not be the person for the job. Give them this email address and i’ll tell ‘em. Have you also considered, that maybe , just maybe you may be causing more harm than good, with your type of doing all and being all type of treatment?

Distinguish who and what you are to this person and feed them from the plate under your bowl, when the plate is empty, walk away from your role or at least evaluate it.

Knowing when to walk away, or knowing when enough is enough is something only you can answer. The reason for this blog is to make you aware that you can not be everything to a person, you can be a friend, who sometimes need to wear a multitude of different hats. This blog is also here to ask you to step back a little and notice what you give to others, and how it makes you feel after you have given.

Finding and following your passion will take all your spare time and energy, both physically and psychologically, it will demand a clear head. Giving without boundaries will not be conducive to your quest of reaching your goal, in fact it will be incongruent. When trying to live the life of your passion, you will find that you will no longer suffer fools gladly. You will find yourself in a haze of fixing your own life. Nothing will go untouched. As mentioned before, anything in your life that isn’t right, will stand out like a shiny new pin, and not adhering to your boundaries will be one of them.

What does it take to win an argument? Does it take your energy, time or maybe your self respect. What does it take for you to walk away?

How much of yourself do you give away, when trying to fix someone? Does it take your time, physical and or psychological energy or perhaps it takes your money. How do you feel after you have given yet again?

Are there other things you give, that make you less than?

Anything that causes you to feel ‘dis.....’,  less than or you may lose is a cause for concern.

You may have to set boundaries and decide when enough is enough, it’s time to walk away. I know that’s easier said than done. My boundaries have been pushed, stretched, crossed and cut. I have had to make new boundaries for that same person to push stretch and try to cross.

I didn’t say it was going to be easy, I just want you to remember that there is an option to walk away.



Patience is a virtue.

Patience can be described as the ability to wait without getting upset or angry.

I have found 14 scriptures that mention patience and what to do while you wait (see end of blog) My favourite from the King James version is Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.

No where does it say that you should act as if the world has top spinning, because you got a tax bill or throw your guts up, because you can’t find a document!! Read on, it will become clear.

Do you have patience? Sure you do, we all have it.

How long do you wait before giving up, giving in, letting go, getting angry, or calming down?

It depends on the situation, Right? Do you count to ten? Do you wait a few minutes? Do you wait for days?, months?, years? It depends on the situation, Right?

Hmmm  maybe. The question is, are you aware when you are using patience, and what do you do while you wait? Do you get yourself stressed out thinking of the problem, which most of the time, you can’t do anything about? Depend on what the problem is, Right?

Remember my B friend who thought the world would stop spinning because she got a tax letter stating that she owed x amount, when in-fact she had paid the bill. (Check it out here ‘Who’s holding you back’) How stressed out do you get? Depend on the issue, Right?

I was once, in a clients house, She was busy looking for a document. This woman actually ran to the bathroom to vomit, Why? Because she had gotten so upset over not being able to find a document. Her whole body reacted to what she was telling herself. “I can’t find this document” . She found it in the end. “OMG really”, I thought, “you are gonna get yourself so upset that your body acted so violently. Really? Depend on the type of missing document, Right?

As parents we can’t help pacing the floor as we wait for our teenager to return home, while waiting we think of all the (bad) things that could have happened to them which has caused them to be  late home. My mind didn’t have them coming home at all, but would race ahead to me receiving a call from the police or hospital (Please bear with me here, I‘ve had six teenagers of all stages of immaturity)

I have had two female children, that would never be where they said they were going. One of which would disappear for days, yes days. During this time I couldn’t eat or sleep. Sometimes I had to attend work and smile, knowing that I’d just spoken to my daughter who hadn’t been home for a day and promised she was on her way home, having spent time with ‘friends’ After two hours at work i’d call home to see if she had arrived, only to be told that she was not there. Still smiling and doing the best I could at work. Maybe (If I was lucky) my daughter would be home. The instance I knew she was home, my body would become hungry. After eating it would feel tired. My body had endured 48 hours of stress and 12 hours of work. It remained in a state of anxiety , flight or fight mode for the entire time she was away from home. I was supposed to use patience, right?

We can’t help feeling stressed while waiting for something to happen, especially when we are helpless to bring about the desired outcome.

I believe that feeling stressed when we have problems gives us something to do while we wait. Now before you go sending me e-mails. What I mean here is, our bodies help us to cope with the situation by enabling us to ‘do’ something in an otherwise hopeless situation. Such as when our fight or flight mechanism has been deployed.

While we stress out, it appears (to us at least) that we are doing something about the situation. While my daughter would be ‘with friends’ away from home. I would be on red alert. I felt like I was pulled in four different directions.

1)     Ready to go get her if she needed me.

2)     Ready to do ANYTHING in-order to get her safe.

3)     Maintain a calm demeanor for the rest of the family.

4)     Smile and carry out work duties.

Not a nice state to be in. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Maybe you think that you can not control how you feel, while you wait for something to happen or for someone to do or not do a certain thing, but you can. Bold statement I know. I can not promise you that my body won’t go into fight or flight mode, should any of my children go off, go missing or not return when they say they are going to be back. As my body automatically begins releasing the three major stress hormones, firstly Adrenaline which is produced by the adrenal glands, after receiving a message from the brain that I was in a stressful situation. i.e my daughter had not come home, yet again. This hormone got me ready to run should I needed to.

Norepinephrine also released from the adrenal glands decreased my need for sleep and increased my alertness. It also helps the blood flow towards more essential areas like the muscles.

Cortisol a steroid hormone takes a little longer than the two hormones mentioned above because the release of this hormone takes a multi-step process involving two additional minor hormones.

First, the part of the brain called the amygdala has to recognize a threat. Once a message has been received at the part of the brain called the hypothalamus, it releases corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH). CRH

Cortisol can be life saving as it produces optimal amounts of its hormone to maintain fluid balance and blood pressure, while regulating some body functions that aren’t crucial in the moment, like reproductive drive, immunity, digestion and growth.

My body acts as if I had seen a roaring lion. My body doesn’t know that I am in my slippers, pacing the living room floor, and that I am not in any immediate danger. It is at this point you should STOP and know that you can control how you react to what your body is telling you. I can control what my mind is telling me and so can you. Ever tried it?

1) No roaring lion. (Depending on the situation)

2) Decide what you can do in the situation, if anything.


3) Realize that this, whatever this is, is NOT the end of the world as we know it.

I can now take solace in the fact that every-thing happens for a reason and that God knows what he is doing, plus everything is as it should be. It has taken me years to get to this place. I have also had the advantage of having to care for six children on my own. My children’s’ safety is constantly on my mind and I believe paramount to my own sanity. But I know, everything is as if should be, and should there be a problem. I am strong enough to deal with it.....In my situation with no one close by to turn to for help, I have had to deal with any issues that came up. I have even had to deal with a mothers worst nightmare...Nothing I could have done, could have changed certain situations or bring one of my daughters’ back! Most of you will never, I hope ever, have to go through my nightmares.

So you find yourself in a situation where you have to wait for a reply. Remember you can not rush someone’s’ hand you have to wait. What do you do while waiting? Eat more, don’t eat, don’t sleep, pace the floor, drink alcohol, smoke or worst. There’s a multitude of not helping things, you could do. Why? because you’ve put your body into the fight or flight mode. Remember you are waiting for a reply there’s no lion in the living room. Here you wait, knowing (and that’s the hard part) that everything is going to work out as it should and whatever happens I will be able to cope with it. You get a reply, but its not what you was expecting. Here you do not let your self-talk run away with you. Survey the situation (no roaring lion), Is there anything you can do to change the decision made. All the time knowing that everything is going to work out as it should do, and whatever happened I will be able to cope with it.

You find yourself in a situation where you will have to wait months rather than weeks, what do you do? You won’t be able to keep up with the eat more, don’t eat, don’t sleep technique here. What do you do? Remember we said that stressing enabled us to do something while we waited. Lets look at what taking  that form of action could cause. Studies show that stress can cause Alopecia, Heart disease, high blood pressure, asthma, diabetes, headaches, depression, anxiety and gastrointestinal problems. I don’t want to list anymore.

There are situations as discussed in (Check it out here Knowing when to walk away) that there’s no waiting, surveying the situation or pacing needed, act like there is a roaring lion after you and get

There are situations where you may find yourself waiting years, like waiting for the right partner to enter your life. What do you do while you wait? Survey the situation, do not let negative self-talk tell you that you won’t find that suitable partner, because of this issue or that problem. In surveying the situation take a close look at you, have made room in your life for the right person? Are youthe very best person you can be? Is there work you need to complete on you, before you ask someone to enter into a relationship with you? Have you really got over your ex? Have you really got over or found the ability to manage any devastating situation that has occurred in your life? Are there any financial issues you need to sort out before you invite someone into your life? Look at you, while you wait. Knowing all the time that everything is as it should be and whatever happens, you will be able to cope with it.

Whatever the situation, try and see it as it is. Survey the situation, Is it a lost document? A paid bill? Perhaps you are waiting for someone to give you a reply. Consider what you can and cannot do to change the situation. Realize that some situation can cause acute stress, which can lead to life threatening diseases. Remember any situation that causes you dis’ease, ‘dis’harmony or to ‘dis’ trust you need out of there as if there is a roaring lion after you.

There may come a time that your waiting may last months or even years. It is what you do during this waiting time that is going to have a positive or negative effect on your future.

Know for sure that everything is going to work out as it should be, and whatever happens you will be able to cope with it.



Romans 12:12 - Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;

Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, [then] do we with patience wait for [it].

Galatians 6:9 - And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Psalms 37:7-9 - Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.   

Ecclesiastes 7:9 - Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Ephesians 4:2 - With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;

1 Corinthians 13:4 - Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

1 Peter 2:19-23 - For this [is] thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.   (Read More...)

Romans 5:4 - And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

James 1:19 - Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Proverbs 15:18 - A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but [he that is] slow to anger appeaseth strife.

Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.

The End Of What We Call A Year

28th December 2016

A Call To Action

Most people wait until the end of the year to attempt a new start. Why wait, what’s the difference between 31st Dec 2016 and 1st Jan 2017?

I often go through a period of deep contemplation and inquisitiveness. I wondered to myself. There are some religions out there, that believe that one should not use electricity during sun down and sun rise on the Sabbath. There are other religions that state, the Sabbath should be kept ‘holy’ and one should refrain from doing certain activities, such as work. I wondered, how do they account for the different time zones people live in? When one Sabbath begins later than their religious brother/sister. The Sabbath then finds you using electricity during what is for you, a ‘normal’ day or time. Would your action be construed as being ‘unholy’? Would your God say ‘Oh well, it wasn’t her/his Sabbath, so they didn’t do anything wrong.’ I have nothing against any religion which you will see as you continue to read.

My point is, shouldn’t every day be a Sabbath, one may not be able to rest every day, but shouldn’t we keep everyday ‘holy’? I do not have a religion that dictates that I shouldn’t use electricity, but dictates that every day should be appreciated and treated the same, whether it is Friday evening or Sunday Morning. I run my life the same way. I have never had a New years’ resolution, as I have always believed that if you want to begin to do something (good) either for your health, e.g giving up smoking, or for others e.g to be more attentive to your partner, kids, family or friends, you should start TODAY as we are not promised tomorrow.

When calling Jamaica on my New Years day, I would say ‘Happy New Year, when it comes.’ You see their New Year had not arrived, it was six hours behind mine. My point again is, you should do whatever you feel is good TODAY, do not wait six hours to start something good.

Have you ever thought, why you sit there waiting for a certain time or day to arrive, before you do something that would benefit your life, or that of someone else’s? Have you ever wondered why you are waiting? Do you think it was because you wanted to get as many cigarettes in before the New Year, or was it food?  Did you think, that come the New Year, the amount you have smoked or the food you have eaten will sustain you for the next six months?

Maybe waiting until the New Year, will allow you to continue to be horrid to people right up until New Years day. When at the last stroke of midnight, you will turn from mice into a beautiful horse. NO you’re still that horrid person, at one minute past midnight on New Years day, as you was at five minutes to twelve on New Years’ eve. The time does not make a difference, timing does. Make your change NOW, TODAY, RIGHT this minute. No one knows when their time is going to end. How much time you have spent not doing what was ‘good’ for yourself or others matter. Waiting until one minute pass midnight on a certain day, does not make any sense to me.

 So after that.....What is your New Years resolution?

Have you considered why you have one? Is it because one minute pass midnight is a ‘good’ starting point? Have you considered why? I don’t see any difference between twenty past seven on December 13th to one minute past midnight on January 1st. If you are going to do something good, do it NOW. Maybe you are waiting until the New Year to change, because it is a tradition. Who’s tradition? Who made it up. I am aware that New Years’ resolutions are most common in the Western Hemisphere and found in the Eastern Hemisphere. However, should all traditions (whose ever it is) be upheld? Have you considered that waiting to do better, be better or try harder may not be such a ‘great’ tradition? (I await the emails I do have a lot of traditions that I uphold, Traditions that I feel ARE important, so my children can teach their children, but waiting until a certain time in the year to do something (good) isn’t one of them. 

I remember that at one point in my household, one of my children was a Muslim, one was a devote Christian and one claimed to be a Sikh. I, on the other hand take some of my beliefs from Christianity and Eastern religions. We all lived together and respected that one would need a place and time to pray. One needed to preach as he did nothing else. The other needed to dance whilst trying not to upset the non-dancing religions in the house.  What was the religious traditions in my house then? A free for all I think. No seriously, It was respect, be nice to each other regardless of what you believed. There was no waiting until a certain time to decide to respect others, it was a given that that is how one should behave. You could say it was a tradition in my house. Christmas, Easter, Eid and Diwali were celebrated in my house. Meal times was another place we had to respect each others’ chosen tradition. Can you see where I am going with this? One minute past midnight on a certain day was not chosen in my house to start doing something (good).

On 31st December is my nieces’ birthday and a day on which we are led to believe is the end of the year, so we celebrate. Are you getting the picture, that in my house, we like to party? Any opportunity to get all my children together and make some noise was good enough reason for me to celebrate. Why should you wait to get your life moving in a different direction? Why should you wait to try something new or stop doing something. Do it now. Consider why you are waiting and by whose rules you are being governed. Just a thought.

Who knows what time it is anyway! The clocks go back in winter and forward in Spring, so you waiting until one minute past midnight on 1st January 2017 to make a change, when the real time (assuming you are taking it from when TIME began, whenever that was!) could actually be 20 past 7 in the month of what we call July!! Just a 

I understand that one may take the time to reflect on the past twelve months. I reflect on my day, every night and perhaps what needs to be accomplished the next day. Perhaps in making your New Years resolution you are doing the same thing, and you are making plans on what needs to be done in the next year. Right I think I get it. However if your resolution is to be good to yourself, or to others. I still say you should start now and not later.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year, filled with all your wishes coming true. I intend to continue what I am doing to the very best of my ability. See I wasn’t going to wait until the end of this blog to wish you a happy New Year!

What are you waiting for to follow your passion? Is it when the children leave home? Maybe when you have retired from your job? Today should be the time you re-visit it. In an earlier blog, I encouraged you to take tiny steps towards what comes naturally to you. Your passion is an innate entity, personal to you and you alone. It is the reason you are here. Surely I wasn’t sent here to have six children, grow old and die, there was always another plan for my life. I believe it is to encourage and aid as many people as possible to finding and following their passion. How I do it , I choose. I choose what comes natural to me, that’s writing. So here I am. What was you sent here to do?........WE ARE WAITING. Literarily, Your community, the world is waiting for your contribution. Remember, you was not given your talent, to keep to yourself, it was given to you to share with us. (But that will be next year some time, right)! The mere fact that you are reading this blog, tells me and you that you want to make a change. You have already taken the first step towards following your passion. I know that you have been thinking about it, you have been thinking of making a change. Just don’t wait too much longer.

People tend to wait until this time of year to contemplate change. My argument or position on doing that is, WHY? Anytime you choose to change is a good time. Don’t put off until one minute past twelve on New Years day, to do what you can do 

Are you living or just surviving?

25th Janurary 2017 

Are you living or just surviving?

Can you describe your day? If you can review it using two sentences then you are surviving.

What does your review sound like?

I go to work, I come home

I look after the children

I cared for my .......

At the end of the day, review your day, was there anything beautiful in your rendition of your day?

Was your day filled with what you did for others?

What inspired you today? Was it something that you saw? Was it something you felt or experienced?

Was your day a game of caught up?

Did you have to catch up on work, paper work, phone calls? Did anything pleasing catch your eye?

If you are surviving, then you missed that beautiful bird, sitting on your fence. As you only survive, you would not have caught that inspiring quote that flashed across the screen in that advert.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened today, because nothing out of the ordinary ever does. Why?

Because you went to work, came home, cared for the children or your household and that’s it. You survived another day.

Do you attend a place of worship every week? Or perhaps you go out on the weekend? A lot of people wait until their weekend to live. They begin to feel, experience and get inspired. They begin to notice the birds in the tress or how green the grass has become. So for one or two days if they are lucky they live.

Do you holiday once a year? It is at this time, a lot of people will report that they saw this beautiful .......whatever, they will say that they felt this or felt that. They may tell you that they tasted this or that, they may even tell you that they were inspired.

So what do you do? Wait for the weekend when you meet up for worship or to get together with friends or family? Do you wait for a holiday to see beauty in something or someone.?

Is it once a week or once a year that you

 I experience beautiful things at least once a day, at most it can be once each hour.

Following my passion has allowed me to be present and ‘in the moment’ each day, each hour of my life. There has never been a day in my adult life that hasn’t been reminisced, recounted or recorded that very night. I record my day either by remembering what I did that day or by actually writing it down. Case in point. Whilst I was pregnant for what seemed like two years. In fact it was 18 months with an eight week break. Having had two children in the same year 27 Jan and 27 Dec. (go figure, i’m weird)

I recorded in a diary, my feelings and activities for each day. (Coming soon in a book store near you) Ok that was a little extreme, but I have been use to recollecting my day before going to sleep. I think It was to ensure I had not wasted any of it. Strange again, but I do dislike wasting time. I think I need to see a psychologist!!.... My point is I have been use to being aware of my day, thus living in my day. I did not just go through the day with nothing to show for it or just surviving yet another day.

Humans are creatures of habit, so one can easily recall what they did on Thursday night , for example ‘Got in from work, made the kids dinner, watched Eastenders (does it still come on Thursday nights?) put kids to bed etc etc and went to bed at 11.30pm. Is that a couple of sentences? If that is your rendition for 4/5 days in your week, you are just surviving.

 A person who lives, has a very different rendition of their day. It may sound a little like this ‘Woke up Thursday morning feeling...... On the way to work I saw................. or on the way taking the children to school I felt this...................At work I experienced....................Back home the children and I did........

While I was cooking ............or my partner and I spoke about this.....................

This person would then go on to reminisce on how they felt after a day at work and the experiences encountered or maybe they will talk of the gratitude of being able to relax, now the day was over. All the time explaining their feelings.

Grant you, this is not what you really want to hear when you ask someone how their day was or ‘how are you?’ You don’t want to hear the ins and outs of their feelings and whether they saw a pretty little red burst preaching on a tree singing, as they walked their children to school. But to hear someone reply to your ‘how are you’? with ‘I’m great’ ‘I’m good’ ‘I’m lovely thanks’ makes you feel a little great, good or lovely. A person who answers like that has taken the time to remember their morning or afternoon. Again not everybody speaks like that, but when you are living, you notice or appear to be grateful for the mere fact that you woke up that morning. So for you It’s always going to be a good, great or lovely day.

Knock me up  on Facebook and ask me how I am!!!

 To live is to be present, to be aware of your surroundings, your environment, to be aware of your thoughts and feelings whilst at a task. In 1890 William James a  Psychologist, in his book Principles of Psychology – explains Streams of Consciousness as a persons thoughts and conscious reactions to events, perceived as a continuous flow. It has also been explained or described as interior monologues, a narrative which depicts the many thoughts and feelings which pass through the mind. I could go on to ask you to be aware of being aware (too deep?) We can come back to that on another blog. For now, you should be aware of your feelings throughout the day. Recalling them at the end of each day, in-order to check if you are actually living or just surviving. Think back on yesterday, what were your feelings? If the only feelings you can remember is that of road rage or the way somebody made you feel. You are surviving , because you are going though your day allowing others to dictate how you should feel or you are reacting to other peoples’ behaviour.

 The feelings or events mentioned above should tell you that your emotions are being led and you are not living your life, you are not in the driver’s seat of your life. If you was the driver, your feelings would be productive and not reactive.

‘So what do I do when someone cuts me up at the light’? You ask ‘Why shouldn’t I react?’. If you are a productive living person, you would say – ‘The other driver has got to get somewhere fast, or the other driver is in a rush. 

Not ‘that driver is a xxxxhead’ easier said than done...If you was more interested in your own feelings and how being cut up at the lights is going to make you feel, you would ensure that that driver does not upset your equilibrium.

 If you was living, instead of surviving you would not allow others to upset you, easier said than done? Consider your feelings as your work colleague puts you down again. Acknowledge the feeling, voice your thoughts (i.e do something about it) Be aware that that person has made you feel the way you do. (It will be something you can review tonight when thinking over your day.) As you think over your day, you may ask yourself if that type of interaction at work is something that occurs often, if so how often? Once a week, once a month or is it when a work dead line looms? As you are trying to live instead of just survive, the way your work colleague made you feel should be dealt with. How you deal with it, tells you whether you are living or surviving. Remember productive not reactive.

If you was living instead of surviving you would be aware that some of your personal relationships were not productive and are even toxic. The survivor will tell you that, well she is a family memberor we have known each other for x amount of years. In other words, for the survivor, it’s OK to just put up with this persons’ behaviour. A person who is living and productive will do something about that toxic family member or that person they have known for x amount of years. A productive person may try to distant themself from that friend or family member, or they would explain to them , how they were making them feel. I didn’t say it was going to be easy. But a living person has to protect their environment or space, and in doing so, they will have to ‘clean house’ which may mean  throwing out rubbish or clearing out the cupboards of old friends, then so be it.

Ok that’s adults pissing you off, what about your children. Remember my daughters in 'Patience' and how they would get me in flight or fight mode? Surviving your childrens’ behaviour has you putting up with their upsetting ways. Living through your childrens behaviour gets you doing something about it.

I am not here to tell you how to bring up your children, I am here to make you aware of yourself, your feelings and how to be a productive rather than a reactive person.

If you are surviving, then you missed that beautiful bird, sitting on your fence, the fresh morning air as you leave for work in the morning. As a survivor your reply to people who ask you, how you are, tend to be  ‘i’m fine’. Your days, weeks and months are filled with ordinary things, mundane even. When recalling your days, if you recall them at all, will be summed up in two sentences. Try it, how was your day yesterday?

Ahhh but if you survive for the weekend, then come Friday night through to Sunday night, you live (See Health and strength) You do a lot of living on holiday too. I say why wait until the weekend to live, start now. Tonight recap your day and put some life into your days.

Following your passion will allow you to appreciate the best things in life, you will be more aware of your surroundings, and that includes how you are feeling. Following your passion will allow you to be astute with what or who makes you upset or uneasy. Living a more conscious or aware life allows you the privilege of productively fixing issues that forces you to feel less than your best, whether it is issues at work or at home.

 Making a difference in the world

15th Feb 2017

Just a thought! Do you think you can make a difference in the world?

Academia allows you the privilege of thinking you can contribute to the world with your dissertation, or being published.

For those who have not entered academia, to make an impact on the world may come a little harder.

Although I have entered academia it wasn’t until my late 40’s that I realized ‘Wait a minute, I could make an impact on the world’

Are you aware that you could have an impact on the world No! email me and tell me why you do not have the ability to impact the world.

Here’s why you have the ability ;

1,            You live on Planet earth

2,            You are Human

3,            Everyone has the ability

4,            You have the ability to think

5,            You have FREE will

We tend to think that our lot in life is to just survive:

Survive School

Survive the teens

Survive and stay being Married

Survive having teens

......and just be comfortable into old age...Then curl up and hopefully die in our sleep.

That is all others expected of us

Not everyone has the need to be seen or make an impact on the world. My question to you is: Are you aware that you can make a difference in the world?

I’ve never been the type to be comfortable making up the numbers, in any situation. What do you bring to the table of this life. Well I really felt that I wasn’t sent here to give the world six children and leave. I believe that I am here to help others find and follow their passion. If I do nothing else but help some people see their potential to achieve something more than they are achieving at the moment, than i’ve done my work. What are you here to do?

As toddlers we interact with the world around us and find it fascinating when it responds to us. Babies also explore the world around them and try to make something happen or at least interact with it.

Geraldine French and Patricia Murphy (2005), state that active learning in infants and toddlers is “the process by which they [infants and toddlers] explore the world [is] either through: observing (gazing at their hand), listening, touching (stroking an arm or bottle), reaching, grasping, mouthing, letting go, moving their bodies (kicking, turning, crawling, pulling themselves up on furniture, walking), smelling, tasting, or making things happen with objects around them (putting things in and out of boxes, stacking blocks, rolling a ball)” (p. 29)

Aistear: The Early Childhood Curriculum Framework suggests, that children use their senses, their minds and their bodies to find out about and make sense of what they see, feel and experience in the world around them. They gather information and develop new skills, including thinking skills. They form ideas and theories and test these out. They refine their ideas through exploring their environment actively and through interacting and communicating with adults and with other children.

So if we start out trying to interact with the world, why do we stop? Life gets in the way. We are taught to fit in, not to make a scene. ‘I was brought up in the ‘seen but not heard’ era.  Life, our teachers, family, friends, the culture we come from. The governments that gorven us, all tell us that we should be seen but not heard.

There are some minorities that will not be heard, because of the colour of their skin. There are some people that will not be heard because of their sex. There are too many reasons to silence people in this world. If you live in a world where democracy rule – You need to make a difference in that world, even if you do so by voting. Me,  giving you permission may not be enough, I understand that. What I hope I do, is allow you the space to realize that you CAN make a difference.

At the beginning of this blog, you was told that you have the ability to change the world. Being human is a given. The ability to think may not be so easy. Why? Because it is dependent on where and or how you was brought up, plus what you was taught to ‘think’. For example, being born a certain sex may have taught you that you do not have the ability to do certain things in this world. Your ethnic background may have taught you that you do not have the ability to do certain things. Depending on who or what your parents or ancestors were or did, may have had a bearing on what you feel you can or can not do.

There are many people, that were born into slavery but made a huge difference to the world they lived in. Namely Fredrick Douglas and Harriet Tubman. This blog is not a history lesson.

There are others I could mention that were born of holocaust survivors, that made a difference in the world they lived in. Such as Dr. Ruth Westheimer and survivor Branko Lustig or the legacy Anne Frank left behind.

I am not suggesting that you go out and start building an underground railway or write a diary, what I am proposing is that you begin to recognise that you have the ability to make a difference in the world.

You may have attended school and told you that, you was a ‘c’ student (middle of the road) or your teacher may have placed you on the ‘red’ table if you was below average!  I am told that that was the ‘teaching tactic’! No comment. You may have attended high school or college and left with a diploma. You may have gone on to university. After your studies, you may have gone into Work, Marriage and had children. All the above taught you that you are a ‘team player’ (Work) A husband/Wife (Marriage) A Mother/Father (Kids) or that you conformed to the ‘norm’. Isn’t that what your parents wanted for you? Should I say the government? You are better controlled if you conform. Well most would say that it is a good life, you did everything you aremeant to do. Nowhere has anyone told you that you can make a difference in the world. You may be the type of parent that teaches your child that ‘you can be anything you want to be, once you put your mind to it’ Yet all you did was go school, went on to higher education, got a job and had a little person who you hope does a little better than you did.

I am not saying that you should go out there and re-invent the wheel. I am telling you that you have the ability to go out there and....... try. You do not need a college diploma or a degree to have the ability to change the world. The two men that spring to mind are Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. They ‘got it’, they knew that they had the ability to make a difference. You on the other hand, appear different from these guys. NO, NO, NO the only difference between you and them, is that they knew they ‘could’ that’s it. 

There is NOTHING NOTHING that stops you from making a difference in this world, your country, your community, your Street .....or your home. Lets start there.

Life has a way of getting in the way of all of us trying to make a change, even a small change in our homes. I dare you TODAY to change something small in your home, yes, TODAY.

Do you realize that you can decide today, to change the type of soap you use in your house? Alright I am assuming you live with at least one other person who use soap. You could find something very small in your house, that you could change. Make it something that you always use, maybe something you have taken for granted.

Dare number two. Throw out or give to your local charity shop, clothes and bric-a-brac that you no longer use. Again I am assuming that you live with at least one other person. Maybe you can throw out things from your shed that is not being used...start small.

So you have gathered up all the shower gel and shampoo in the house and changed them. Get like for like, so if you must have a zero perfumed shower gel or shampoo, then get like for like, just a different brand. Your partner and or children complained and shouted about their favourite smell. But they still washed, and in a week or so, they will get use to them. Why? Because it is still soap, you have just changed the world you live in.

Maybe you gathered up all the clothes you and your house hold don’t use or wear anymore, and taken them to the local charity shop. The members of your household may mourn the missing dressing grown that hang behind the door for six months, never being worn, but it was a comforting sight. You have just changed that hoarder type world you use to live in. See you can change the world.

Did you change something else? Was it something you use to cook with, was it a type of food or a utensil? Let me know

So you have made a small change in your home. Small but had an impact, why? Because you have the ability to change the world of your household. Now lets move outside the home, can you think of anything you could change that would make an impact on your life outside the home? Lets find something small (I say small but just watch for the impact) I’ve got to say, i’m rubbing my hands together at this point! Lets say that you get the 07.47 Bus every morning, you need to get this bus, because it will get you into work on time to have a cup of tea before you start work. Starting TOMORROW take the 07.39 bus to work, yes you’ll have to change the time you go to bed the night before, you’ll have to change the time you get up in the morning. It may change the time you do many things. If you have children to get ready for school, This (small) change could be a big upheaval. Do this, and you will change the world as you live it. Maybe you can think of something equally (small) to change

Lets say that you get the 07.47 Bus every morning, you need to get this bus, because it will get you into work on time to have a cup of tea before you start work. Starting TOMORROW take the 07.39 bus to work, yes you’ll have to change the time you go to bed the night before, you’ll have to change the time you get up in the morning. It may change the time you do many things. If you have children to get ready for school, This (small) change could be a big upheaval. Do this, and you will change the world as you live it. Maybe you can think of something equally (small) to change

Are you getting the jest here? Can you see just how powerful you are?, and the huge ability you have to change the world you live in. Can you see that by just changing the shower gel in your household you can make an impact on the world you live in? Just by getting the 07.39 bus in the morning shifted your whole day and night, can you see your ability to make change?

Ok, so you tried this small thing outside your home, lets start impacting the world you live in, and the other people interact with. Lets start small, Say you drink four cups of tea during your work day and you take turns in making the tea. Instead of drinking or making four cups of tea, decide to drink something else for one of those tea breaks, water, coffee or nothing. Your colleagues may ask you why you choose to drink something different, you decide what you will tell them. Do this for a few days.

You have made a change to the world you live in. It’s as easy as that, you have made your colleagues wonder why you have made the change. What you should have deemed from this is,  you can make a change to the world you live in.

Do you see how powerful you are? No......A change however small is a change. Now haven been given permission to change the world you live, what else are you going to do?

You’ve been reminded of the people who have done great things with or without degrees, you have made tiny differences in your own home, shifting the ‘norm’, making a difference and making an impact. You took your ability outside your home by getting on the 07.39 bus, you will be getting on the bus with a whole different set of people, the 07.47 passengers will be wondering where you are. You then took your ability to make a change in your world,by declining one of the four cups of tea you use to drink each day at work. It made your colleagues wonder why you made the change. Please note the reason for doing this is not for them, but for you to realize that you actually have the power to do something different and make a change in your life albeit small. 

Can you imagine what would happen if you ramp it up a nudge? What would that be? What if you stop smoking, eating meat, stop indulging in a habit that is not healthy? What if you decide to change your relationships for the better by refusing to put up and shut up?

What if you decide to follow your dream and take up writing? What would you have to do in-order to follow your passion? Start small, just like you did with the shower gel. You are now invincible, you have already changed the world you live in. What about the world outside of you?

Changing the World.

What are you holding on to, that you should have let go of years ago?

9th March 2017

Is it those traditions that you do every year, that really don’t work or serve you any good purpose (see The End Of What We Call A Year) or is it doing something that Grandma use to do, but Grandma use to use ‘Lard’ in her cooking, and we know that it really isn’t good for us or serve us no good purpose. But we do it anyway.

Perhaps you buy groceries that you rarely eat, and like me, when you go to use it, the item has gone off or way pass it’s eat by date .

What are you holding on to that you should have let go of years ago?

Does any of your ‘friends’ fall into that category, don’t worry I won’t tell, I just write what you’re thinking. As in  Who’s holding you back? Some of the people we hold dear, hold us back. There are material things that keep us captive too, literary material i.e clothes – Why do you have a wardrobe, (some people have even boxed them up) full of clothes that you are never going to fit into- No Never. Have you heard this one – I’m keeping this dress/shirt/suit until I can fit into it again. The clothes shouldn’t be the incentive, your health should be. I propose that it’s the memory that you are trying to recreate, not the dress, shirt or suitsize.

Memories that serve you well, should be savioured, negative thoughts should be placed in the forgiveness pile.

None of the above can be done overnight, work with me and let’s see if we can find and let do of what you are holding on to, that you should have let go of years ago.


 Above we mentioned that fact that some of us continue to do it like Grandma use to do things, although it doesn’t serve us any purpose. There are recipes that one can change, using healthier alternatives. My Dad use to put a piece of brown paper on our foreheads, as a child when we had hiccups. Some parents use to blow in their child’ face!  That may have served a purpose back then, Do you still do that? Don’t be afraid to change things and make traditions of your own. You can start new things and make new traditions. Did you consider that? I would like to mention here that I am fully aware, that certain traditions should be upheld so that they can be passed on to your children and hopefully their children. 


Like traditions, every Christmas I use to buy enough food for three months, as if there was going to be a food storage. I had traditionally done this for years, without acknowledging the fact that the supermarket is only closed for ONE day.

Iyana Vanzant gives us a rendition of going into a large supermarket to buy a cleaning product, as she had ran out of the item. Iyana said that she couldn’t find the item in the store and was offered a different brand. This just made her more infuriated than she was. Iyana said she walked around the store, beside herself with anger, she couldn’t understand how this large supermarket, didn’t have the cleaning product that she had used for years, her mother used this product and they should have it. Then it dawned on her that she had never used its alternative, and it should be able to do the same thing as the product she had always bought. My point here is just because your mother use to buy an item does not mean that you have to continue buying the same product, you can and should try something new. You should consider whether this item really serves you.  You never know, another product may be even better. Have you looked at your shopping list lately? Do you use the items you buy each week or monthly? Are there items that you buy and end up throwing away because before you get a chance to eat it the ‘eat by date’ is up? But you buy it anyway, why? Because you always buy it when you do your weekly or monthly shop. Please check your shopping list thoroughly, if it does not serve you DON’T buy it. I buy tomatoes, even now, on every shopping trip, I buy tomatoes and every time I go to the fridge to use them, they are soft and on their way out. I like coleslaw, but only a spoon full, and only every now and then, so when I fancy another spoon full it’s off. You see, my baby is 18 years old and at university. I am still in mummy buying mode when I go to the supermarket. I still have a problem cooking for one. This is something I have to learn. I am also learning to buy fruit, veg and coleslaw when I need them. I have been holding on to my old shopping list mentally, I’ve got to let it go because it does not serve me. I also have honey in the back of my cupboard, no-body eats honey in my house. Why do I have honey in the cupboard? Because you should have honey in the house, in case the children have a cough, and you can give them honey and lemon. Well, as I just mentioned, my baby is 18 years old and at University. I can’t remember ever, giving my children lemon and honey, I use to buy cough meds. My point here is, like me you may find that you have items in your cupboard that you don’t eat, but feel you should have it in your cupboard. Don’t do it, if it does not serve you any good purpose, get rid of it.

Have a look in your cupboard, look in the fridge if there are items that do not serve you, give them away, or throw it out and DO NOT re-buy.


Not to repeat myself, but you know who I am talking about. The ‘friends’ or family member who drain you of your energy, time and money. Those people in your life that have the burden of the world on their shoulders and feel that you have to sit and listen to their woes. Or those people in your life that keep you around, just in-case they may need you! You can picture who i’m talking about. Yes that person or those people are holding you back and properly have been doing just that for years. Let go of these people...Do it nicely. Need help?

Stop conversations with these people that do not serve you. Stay away from people whose aim is only to make sure that you are at arms length in-case they need you. For me, I am now not available to be your crutch, I now distant myself from anyone who use me as phone-in Agony Aunt or a constant sounding board for their trivial often petty issues.  I was going to add that family can be a little harder to distant yourself from but, they are people too and if the hat fits, you need to make sure they wear it. Anybody yes, anybody who takes from you and gives nothing in return, after this day all you should be giving and hopefully receiving is pleasantries. You can not clear out the fridge, sort out the cupboard, stop buying unwanted food and using lard! without sorting through your friends and family. The sorting has just began, lets go up stairs.


Keeping clothes (for a year/s) until you can fit into them is never going to work. Firstly, if you have bagged or boxed up clothes in the hope of fitting into them when you lose weight, by the time you are at your desired weight the clothes will be outdated. Secondly, when you get that new body, you are going to want or need new clothes to put on that body.

Now let me give you a little insight into YOU. Are you ready? Then I shall begin.

In all the clothes that is taking up room in your wardrobe, or boxed up somewhere, do you have any in which you had an argument in? Think back...That little black/purple/green or even orange number you use to wear all the time, that dress or shirt you was wearing when you had an almighty argument or fight in?  Keep thinking, It had a little stain on it! Is that item of clothing still amongst the clothes you are hoping to fit into when you lose weight? I bet you do not still have it, I bet you got rid of that outfit, never to be seen again. Why? Because every time you saw the dress, shirt or suit it reminds you of the argument. Right!

Now tell me about the clothes you do have stuck away. No tell me about that lovely black/purple/green or even orange number you use to wear when you went out. Tell me about that suit you kept, you know the one you was wearing when you got that job. Are you thinking? It doesn’t take long to bring those memories back does it?. Those items are in the ‘fit into when I lose weight’ pile.

Here comes the shocker....You will never look as good as you did back then in that dress or shirt....NEVER that was then, that was when, if you believe in that sort of thing, all the stars aligned and everything seemed to be working in your favour. That date, You felt like the bomb, you knew you looked good on that night, The date couldn’t have gone any better, you said all the right things, s/he said all the right things, everything just fitted into place. Best date ever. That interview. You got up that morning with a spring in your step, anxious but looking forward to the interview. You managed to get there 20 minutes before the interview, you felt comfortable, you looked great, and you got the job. Your best night out outfit. You looked fabulous, your hair looked great, your make up, if you wear it was flawless. You was flying. People were staring as you walked in, guys/girls wanting to dance with you, best night ever. Those clothes are still in your loft, boxed and or hanging in your wardrobes. Why? Because you are trying to re-create the feelings................I’ll let you digest that for a minute............ Losing weight to fit into that dress or shirt is not going to bring those  feelings back. You would have to re-wind time for that to happen.

Clothes that are kept for sentimental reasons are great, they allow you to indulge in positive memories, make those boxed clothes memories too. Do not keep clothes under the guise of fitting into them when you lose weight, when in fact you really are just trying to get your groove back. Getting your groove back is a whole new blog...see you there.

Back to those clothes. Please sort through them, put those memories in its mind space, box up the clothes and give them to charity. They serve you no purpose and could be serving someone else. They are holding you back, for some of you they are trying to drag you back ten years. Keep the memories, throw the clothes out.


Holding on to good memories is a good thing......But remember they are just that memories, trying to re-live those memories will hold you back. One can not rewind time. Have you ever wondered why as an adult, when you visit a place you use to frequent as a child, the place looks very different? The reason for this is, as a child you saw the place through a child’s eye. As an adult your focus is very different.

As a child, throughout the summer break, my parents would take me to Southend-on-sea, sometimes two or three times during this school break. My focus then, was the sea, sand, the fun fare, the toffee apples, the rock and the fish and chips. As an adult I took my children to my summer break ‘fun place’ and focused on the cost of rides at the fun-fare, where we will go to eat and leaving the area before it got too dark. Same place different age and focus. Great memories are to stay great memories. Any attempt to re-live it will cause things like clothes hoarding!


What thoughts are you holding on to that is holding you back? We can not help re-playing thoughts that do not serve us. I believe that thoughts come up to be dealt with. So you find yourself thinking of an ordeal you had endured. It’s time to deal with them. Re-playing it over and over is not going to place it where it should live. We call upsetting thoughts, bad thoughts or negative memories. Memories are memories, thoughts are thoughts. They live in the same place as good thoughts or positive memories. You can change a ‘good’ or positive memory into a ‘bad’ or negative memory Let’s take my 2/3 trips to Southend during the summer break. For me it is a positive memory of my childhood, surrounded by the fan fare, the sea, sand, toffee apples etc....Let’s turn it into a ‘bad’ or negative memory. Here we go.........      My parents could have taken me somewhere else, they had a car, surely another sea side destination would have made a change. Some of my friends went to visit relatives in the summer, they could have taken me to see my relatives, as I didn’t get to see them though-out the year. Plus we never actually got to stay there long enough. Please bear in mind I am trying really hard to make this a ‘bad’ or negative though so that is all I can come up with.

My good memory will be changed into a bad or negative thought, if I repeat this thought of ‘my parents could have taken me somewhere else’ over and over again. I will begin to cement this thought into a bad or negative memory. Thankfully I do not believe these things, and going to Southend every summer will remain a ‘good’ or positive memory. As I said earlier, thoughts surface to be dealt with. A Good thought pops up and it may make us smile. A bad or negative thought pops up and amongst over things, it may make us feel upset.

So let’s deal with a bad or negative thought. Remember, it has surfaced so it must be placed somewhere. First let’s look at what your beliefs are around a childhood negative thought. Here’s a question you may ask. ‘Why did they do that to me?’ You quickly answer this question with another negative thought ‘because they disliked me’ or ‘I did something to make them hurt me’. Now work with me here, what if I told you that what they did to you had nothing to do with you, but something to do with them.....Changing your belief around a bad or negative thought or memory can help towards changing the thought. Let’s try and put that negative thought somewhere else. Lets put it in the ‘I did not deserve that ill treatment’ pile. Lets also put it in the ‘There was something wrong with them, for ill treating me‘ pile. Now, if you understand that there was something wrong with them, we may be able to begin to put them in the forgiveness pile. It’s easy for me to say, forgive someone for something they did to you and move on. Not so easy at your end, you’ve had to endure the hurt. You may have been powerless to do anything about it. It hurts right now, just thinking about it. What purpose does it serve you, going over and over the ordeal? I am not trying to cure PTSD here, I am merely asking you what purpose does it serve? Let it go, by putting it in a different pile. If the person who hurt you is still alive, do you think they replay the hurt they caused you? They have put it in their own pile, a pile that allows them to live with what they did.

With you taking control of the hurt caused, you can begin to place them in the Forgiveness pile. Forgiveness Mayo Angelou states is ’one of the greatest gift you can give yourself’ Let go of it. I say you can  begin to place it in the forgiveness pile because one can not change a thought, positive or negative over night. They will need to replay the alternative e.g negative thought to a positive thought over and over and over until they believe that thought and it becomes cemented. Like my childhood Southend memory, its cemented, and serves me well as when I think of it, the memory makes me smile.

M. Farouk Radwin (Msc) Writes about positive and Negative thinking. Asking us to imagine Negative thoughts as a plate of rotting food. Radwin suggests that most people try to get rid of the smell or the plate instead of the food. Changing ones’ belief about a negative memory and beginning to put forgiveness in the mix, is walking over to the outside bin to throw out the rotting food.


What are you holding on to that you should have let go of years ago? Do you hold on to traditions that do not serve you any good purpose? Like some of the items in Grandma’s recipes that you could substitute for a healthier alternative, but you insist on serving it the way Grandma made it. I don’t know where I got the notion that I should have honey in my cupboard, which use to go past its ‘eat by date’ which I use to throw away and re-buy. I don’t even like Honey. But it was just something that you should have in the cupboard isn’t it, No it is not, you’ll be surprised what you keep in your house that you really don’t need, you’ll find that you have them there for no other reason than ‘it’s what we do’. Throw out or give away and DON’T RE-BUY. Iyana Vanzant was adamant that a store should have a cleaning product that her mother had bought, and she felt she should also buy, not even considering that another brand could have been just as good. What are you adamant about in your life or home that you feel you must have? Without giving something else a chance, an attitude like that holds you back, keeps you stuck and not open to new possibilities.

Since I have started following my passion, I have become open to the possibilities that some people in my life are holding me in their bubble (See What’s in your Bubble) and I really don’t want to be there. I don’t want to spend 40minutes on the phone listening to them tear down one of their friends, the community or the local government. I no longer want to be that person who they call when they have a relationship problem only to be put in a draw until the next relationship crisis occurred. Have you ever come away from phone calls that made you feel used and not being able to mention any of your problems? People like that are holding you back. There should be give and take in every relationship, even if it ends up just being pleasantries.

Material things can hold you back too. Things you hold on to that really, you should have kept the memory and thrown or given away the item. Clothes come under that category. You know that you are not gonna wear that dress or shirt ever again, you are just attached to the memory it has given you. I am sure that we all have sentimental items that we should hold on to, but the clothes that have been hanging in your wardrobe for a year should go....Really they should for the ones that you have boxed up ..........I have no words.

Memories that make us smile, serve a purpose. The thoughts that make us feel sad need to be placed somewhere. Radwin suggest that we should throw it away like rotting food. I propose that we can then begin to usher them towards the forgiveness pile. I hope this blog has opened your eyes to some of the things that you have been holding on to that you could and should, throw or give away. I hope it has shown you where certain things and people have been holding you back, and you should have gotten rid of years ago. My aim as always is to show you different ways at looking at things and thrive for the best you, you can be.

Be good to yourself

4th March 2017

“Be good to yourself” My Mother use to say.

Whenever I would leave my Mother after a visit, she would wave and say “Be good to yourself” I had not heard this saying used as a farewell before.

I wonder how many of us are really good to ourselves?

What words come to mind when we think about being good to ourselves?

Pamper and treat, springs to my mind.

Pamper, for me, means doing something for myself solely. Perhaps taking a longer than usual soak in the bath with candles and a glass of wine. To be honest I haven’t done that in 10 ten years. But that is what springs to mind when I think of pamper.

Treat – To treat myself would often be buying an item for the house, sometimes it would be a chocolate bar or maybe a book .

What springs to mind when you say you are going to be good to yourself? Now it cannot be something that you do every two weeks. Some people get a manicure, pedicure and or hair done every few weeks. This is the norm, so you can’t use that as your pampering or treat. This has to be something extra and perhaps different from the norm.

I have failed miserably at this task, but I am still learning. Pamper and treat are the only two things that sprung to my mind, what does that say about me? In Health and Strength I mentioned how hard it was for me to relax, and how long it took me to resonate with people who snuggled up on the sofa in the evening. I also mention how uneasy I felt just sitting in my armchair and putting my feet up.

A lot of women, like me, can not tell you, the last time they treated themselves well, or the last time they felt pampered. This blog is not about your family treating you better. It’s about how you treat yourself. Let’s start – How do you treat yourself? Do you treat yourself good, badly, poorly or great? Chances are most of you do not even think that you are an individual that needs to be looked after.

I would like to use Abraham Harold Maslow’s paper 1943 – A theory of Human Motivation. (Which is often called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) to help us find out just how great or poorly we treat ourselves. Marslow states that people are motivated to achieve certain needs, and that human beings have five main needs: 

1) Biological and Physiological needs

2) Safety and Security needs

3) Belonging and love needs

4) Esteem/Psychological needs

5) Self actualization.

Fulfilling our basic need my not be as easy as I have jotted them down here. In my pursuit to feed, clothe and keep my children safe (See ‘What’s in your Bubble’) I took jobs in which my immediate managers treated me badly – My studies (another way of feeding my children and an aim of keeping a roof over their heads) had me so stressed it landed me in hospital. Are you killing yourself in order to fulfill your basic needs? Just a thought. How are you treating your body? You know, with trying to fulfill your biological needs? Is it stressed, over worked, do you have a medical condition? Maybe you just have corns on your feet. In your pursuit of surviving you may be barely living. Stop for a moment and consider how you are treating yourself. In the grand scheme of things, what are you sacrificing to fulfill what are very basic needs? Is the pay, journey or the way you are treated at work, worth it for the basic need of a pay check? Consider your options. Could you work closer to home? What would you lose if you worked less hours? Before you say that you would lose part of your pay. Consider the fact that if you worked three days instead of five days, you would save on two days worth of petrol or fares, lunches, coffee at the coffee shop, you would even save on shoe leather. Work smarter not harder. Consider your options, need help. Would working less help you financially? Maybe it could. Would working less outside the home give you less stress? Maybe it could. Give a thought to your body! Ask it, if it needs a rest from stress. Some of us shovel food down it, as if it is a bottomless pit, with no consideration to whether it’s hungry or not. Some of us pour liquids down it in excess, which in turn damages other parts of it. The need to breath doesn’t get a look in when some of us inhale substances that are not fit for human consumption. All of this body abuse and we haven’t got off the first step of Maslow’s ladder of needs!! Be good to yourself. Think about your body and what it needs.

Arbraham Maslows paper (1943) state that once the physiological needs are  satisfied. I would like to add, if you don’t kill yourself in the process, you move up to the safety rank of the ladder. Here Maslow suggest that the need for safety and security then needs to be fulfilled. We all have a need for safety and security. You would not have though so if you saw me leaving work at 11.30pm (a second job) waiting for a bus, then walking through a subway/underpass alone, in-order to get home. 

You wouldn’t think safety and security was a need I had, if you saw me work a night shift from 7.45pm – 8am then start my day job at 8.30am – 2pm Sleeping at 3pm sometimes 3.30pm and raising at 7pm to get to work for 7.45pm. Not to mention the house work, shopping, sometimes cooking for the household and not eating.  Where was safety and security in my mind when I was leaving my teenagers to watch my younger children at nights, while I go to the City of London to work in a Homeless shelter for women with mental health issues, some of whom were violent. You know what...It was ONLY the grace of God, that I didn’t get hurt in, at or to and from my many work places. All of this done in the name of building some sort of security for my children. Surely if I got sick, hurt or worst it would cancel out all that hard work.

My Safety didn’t factor in my pursuit of securing a roof over their heads and the security of staying in a ‘home’ for longer than two years. Looking back, what price did I put on my safety? I am not sure it was worth it. What dangers are you facing just to remain ‘secure’?  Is staying in an abusive relationship really worth it?Are you staying, in-order to keep the family together? If you are not safe then you and your family are not The 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for England.

Safety should never be sacrificed for what you may class as security. Take a look around your life. Maslow states that Safety and Security are NEEDS (PURAL) to be fulfilled. How many times have we driven tired? That’s not being good to yourself or other road users. How many times have we gone without eating because there wasn’t time, as we just had to keep on keeping on? In the vain of trying to secure a better future for our family. Half the time, its only you and your God that knows the lengths you’ve gone to, in-order to maintain the front of being alright, Ok or coping. Look around you. Are you being safe? Are you keeping yourself safe? Is what you are trying to secure worth your safety or the safety of those around you? Are you really being good to yourself? What would your friends and family say, if they knew what you do to get ahead? Would they say that you are being good to yourself?

Having satisfied yourself that your safety and security needs are being met, One moves into the Friends and Family Zone. Here one should really feel comfortable surrounded by all the people who love you. Having read ‘Who’s holding you back’, ‘Knowing when to walk away’ or ‘What are you holding onto, that you should have let go of years ago’ You will be familiar with my take on toxic friendships and family members. Anyone that dis-honor, dis-respect or causes you to dis-trust should be cause for concern. 

Maslow called the friends and family Zone Love/Belonging – Here you should feel loved and or have a sense of belonging. Anything outside of these feelings of being loved and belonging should alert you to the massive red flag that is waving. Please take note my need for securing a roof over my childrens’ head, feed and clothe them, had me putting my safety at risk. Surely this was all done in the name of LOVE! Look at what you call doing it for ‘love’ or being ‘loved’ and in-order to ‘belong’. Remember love does not hurt and being a third wheel is not ‘belonging’. Your intuition will tell you what feels good  and what does not. 

I believe that when Marslow spoke about this level he was talking about being a part of a familiar group. Whether this is an intimate relationship or through friendships. Knowing that you share the same common bond with a person or group of people can be warming and gives a sense of belonging. However, staying in a group, friendship or intimate relationship with anyone who treats you less than is always a cause for concern.

As we grow and move through the different levels of needs, we find ourselves gaining self-esteem. We are able to note our achievements, we grow in confidence and we gain the respect of others. We notice these abilities, traits and achievements through our interactions with others. This is one of Maslow’ Esteem/ Psychological needs. Imagine if you will, a child who has been nurtured love and cared for by his/her parents. S/he grow, is healthy and has many friends. Into adulthood s/he gets a steady comfortable job. After meeting someone special they become a partnership and have a child, both are happy and this child enters a loving home. You would say that this person may feel a sense of accomplishment. S/he has a loving safe home, in which there is a sense of belonging. Gaining the respect of his/her peers, friends and family. That scenario is great. That person rose through Maslows levels with some ease, their child entering on the first level into a loving home. Many people remain at this point for the rest of their lives. They are not seeking food and water. They feel safe and secure, they have built their family unit, with others around them who care and love them. Money is not a huge issue as they have it coming in and may have been promoted to a higher post at work. Thus reinforcing their self esteem, raising their confidence as their abilities are being recongnised. They have gained the respect of their peers and have a sense of achievement. When we reach this stage, if you are anything like me, you do the best you can to set an example to everyone you encounter. Note that, it is not only your workplace that recognises your abilities and traits, but the world around you too, you’ll be surprised who sees you. (But that’s for a different blog)  I have tried to be a living example of what a decent, caring, hard working human being should look like. Respect should always be given, whether it is earned or not, as one aims to be the best person they can be.

Now, hopefully when you reach that stage, life doesn’t batter you too much. I found myself and my children back looking to secure our basic need for safety and security every few years. My saving grace has always been a trust in God and the love of my children. It has enabled me to get up every time I fell and climb Maslow ladder to where I feel I am today. Working on my creativity, following my passion and helping others. Maslows fifth stage is based on people seeking fulfillment and change through personal growth. This stage is called Self actualization – Here people are those who are fulfilled, they have found their passion or purpose in life and are doing all they are capable of. Self actualization according to Maslow - 'refers to the person’s desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. The specific form that these needs will take will of course vary greatly from person to person. In one individual it may take the form of the desire to be an ideal mother, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in still another it may be expressed in painting pictures or in inventions' (Maslow, 1943, p. 382–383).

One cannot decide to follow their passion or be the best they can be if they are homeless or hungry. You cannot be your full potential if you are living in a nice house, but your safety and or your security is threatened. To reach Maslow’s fifth stage I had to leave my job, I had no choice, but leave my house as I had received an eviction notice, which turned out to be a God sent as I was able to find serenity in a place where I can read, write and mentor others. I found my happy. I was good to myself and treated myself to quiet. That is quiet from (nasty) work colleagues, quite from ‘friends’ that only had loud, horrid things to say about others. I learnt to tolerate family members at a distant, knowing that it will be quiet soon. I procured my own time, insisting that I have my space to try and be the best I can be, in the hope of maximising my potential.

I want this for you too, but can you see the amount of work that needs to be done, in-order to get you where you are the best you can be?  You need to start by being good to yourself. You would need to treat your body with respect, not pouring unwanted unneeded liquids down its throat. You would need not to work it to death, in the guises of doing it for the family. You would need to stop and take note of your environment, you would need to ask yourself whether you are sacrificing one important entity for another equally important entity and weight up the overall cost of losing one! You would need to use your intuition to work out whether you are actually in the in-crowd or just a spare wheel. Your gut will tell you whether the love you think you are feeling is genuine. It doesn’t make any sense to me to be hanging around ANYONE YES ANYONE who makes me feel less than. Another saying we have in my house is “If you feel uncomfortable.....LEAVE” . One cannot climb Moslow’s ladder feeling unsafe.

Finding and following one’s passion is at the top of Maslow Theory of Human Motivation. You must be good to yourself, your body and others in order to there. 

Take a look at Maslow's expanded Theory of Human Motivation.


                                             Body - 5 Senses                                CONSCIOUSNESS                             Emotions

               Mind +Body                                                     Emotions             Thoughts                            Body - 5 Senses  

                                             EXPERIENCE – Thoughts                CONSCIOUSNESS                                                          

Emotions                                           Mind +Body                                                     Mind +Body

                              CONSCIOUSNESS                             Body - 5 Senses                 EXPERIENCE – Thoughts                             

The self.               Mind +Body        Emotions              Consciousness              Mind+Body     Experience

In order to be SELF you need a thinking mind, a mind that holds your experiences and emotions, your conscious mind.

In order to be SELF you need a body. Most would say, you need your body in-order to make use of your five senses- Smell, touch, hearing, seeing and taste. Not true, if you didn’t have one, two or any of these senses you would still be you, just without the ability to use these senses.

So to be self, a mind + body is needed.


Having established that the self is consciousness or your mind. Also that the body – Whether that is a tall, short, thin, over weight or under weight (according to the BMI Calculator), able-bodied or one with a physical disability, male or female leads us to the conclusion that the self is YOU. So SELF = YOU

Now, that is YOU without the labels that you and others have attached . Just the SELF that equals YOU.

Not the you, that your friends and family members know.

Not the you, your work colleagues know.

Not the you the shop keeper or coffee shop cashier knows.

Not even the you, your parents know.

This you is SELF = YOU. Stay with that thought for a moment. I tried to get you to stand alone in the ‘What's in your Bubble’ when I asked you to stand outside your bubble filled with all the things you think about each day, but some of you found it a little scary, standing there without the label of friend, parent, sibling and work colleague. Now you’ve graduated with the ability to do just that as you have come to the realisation that    SELF =YOU

You, the self, has many different selves. As you go through your day, you morph into a different you. Lets start with the morning you. Some of you are jolly and talkative, some of you are quiet and resevered. I am the quiet type. It takes at least an hour for my face to adjust and look somewhat ‘normal’. Some of us even have a morning voice, which disappears after we have brushed our teeth and had a hot beverage. How you are in the morning? You are certainty not the same you when you leave the house.

Different you’s emerge as you encounter different situations throughout the day. I use to travel on the London underground to get to work, often the platform would be packed with people. One had to morph into a ruby player if you wanted a seat on the train, especially if you had a child with you.

Depending on whether you encountered anyone you know on the way to work, you then morph into work you. For me that was to give my best regardless of what was going on, be fair, approachable,  professional at all times becoming  firm should the occasion arise. What are you like at work?  Depending on who you encounter in your lunch break, you stay as work you until you arrive back home.Then the home you emerges. For some of us even a different language is spoken. The home you may have other labels attached, this could be parent, career, spouse/partner all forcing you to fulfill these roles. At this point the SELF=YOU that we talked about at the beginning of this blog is deep deep inside you, there is no light where that you is. But we will get back to that you in a little while. To continue your evening at home, the kids are fed, bathed and put to bed. It is here a tried different you emerges, you still carry your labels but you can relax a little. Depending on your household dynamics, this may be a relaxed you. A you that may take a bath, relax with a glass of wine, watch your favourite TV programme or do whatever calms you. You go to bed and it’s morning you again.

Lets add  the you, you become when you are out with your work  mates, friends or family members. Depending on which set of friends or family members you are out with, will determine which you you take out.

I have counted 7 different you’s so far:

1)      YOU – Is SELF=YOU

2)      YOU – Morning you

3)      YOU – Leave house you

4)      YOU – At work you

5)      YOU – Back at home you

6)      YOU – Relaxed you

7)      YOU – Out with friends and family you

Wow that is seven different types of you, some with labels attached, some like the morning you that even displays a different face !

Deepak Chopra states in his ‘Book of Secrets’ (2004) Secret #13 Get the e-book and audio here FREE

‘When you go home for Thanksgiving, you probably find yourself falling automatically into the role of the child you once were. At work, you play a different role than when you go on vacation. Our minds are so good at storing totally conflicting roles that even small children know how to switch smoothly from one to the other. When candid cameras are set up to catch three-year-old's at play without adults around, parents are often shocked by the transformations they see before their eyes: The sweet, obedient, conciliatory child they knew at home can turn into a raging bully ‘ . He goes on to say that ‘The real you is detached from any role, any scenery [or] any drama’.

Do you ever seek number one SELF=YOU in all that noise of the different you’s running around?  For those of you that meditate, you regularly seek number one SELF=YOU. Have you considered looking for number one SELF=YOU?  you can only find SELF=YOU by quieting and throwing off the labels attached to you.

Labels you give yourself

Labels society has given you

Labels your friends and family have given you. For a few minutes...If you can.....Find SELF=YOU.

To help, this is what you do.

Sit in a quiet room, with no distractions try and block out the noise of your environment. Next doors telly, the dog down the road, the sounds of cars driving by and perhaps concentrate on your breathing. Breath in............ Breath out Do this 15 times – trying to concentrate on the sound of your breath.

After this, just be – sitting still and quieting the world around you.

In doing that exercise, you are throwing off the labels that are attached to you and for the 10 minutes you take to quiet yourself, you are being =YOU.

I can no longer consider living in an environment that forces me to wear my labels all the time. When was the last time you took off all your labels?

As parents we will be parents until we die. That is one label I gladly wear. I wear it with Honor, pride and gratitude. However if going out with friends or family is the only time, you leave that label on the kitchen table before you leave the house on a night out, you are doing yourself a dis-service. I believe that I can be the best mum I can be if I am allowed to be me or SELF every now and then. I say this after coming off the phone with one of my children, who felt I could keep her company for 35 minutes while she wait for a bus to arrive. All the labels we have attached to ourselves, can easily take over our lives if we don’t stop for a minute and find SELF = YOU

For some, being in a room with just self, having taken off all the labels, will be uncomfortable, it may feel as though you are being striped bare.  especially if you have never considered this concept, but rest assured it will get easier to do if done regularly.  Some may realize that they are all the labels attached to them, and cannot consider being without them, even for 10 minutes.  Others may find it hard to take off certain labels believing that LABEL + SELF = YOU

Some may not like the SELF =YOU that emerges once quiet, and would rather wear some or all the labels attached

If you have managed to read this far, in this blog. The work can begin. The SELF= YOU If you are meeting the SELF= you for the first time, will need to be nurtured, fed and brought up to fruition.

In order to nurture the SELF = YOU, you will have to find SELF = YOU often. Remember the breathing exercise? You will need to get quite often. It is an opportunity to get to know SELF = YOU. Like seeing your baby for the first time, or bringing home a new pet, you spend as much time as you can with your baby or new pet as possible. You care for this new SELF = YOU. Tell me what this SELF=YOU without lables,  feels like Depending on how often and how comfortable you feel getting to know SELF = YOU . Your SELF=YOU turns into toddler, like  a toddler, they can amuse themselves while you watch.  

What does that mean for you? It means that you may not have to spend as much time getting quiet for the SELF=YOU to emerge. You will begin to feel comfortable with SELF=YOU in your own space with no labels attached. 

The child stage of SELF = YOU, has your SELF=YOU walking along side you. SELF=YOU is no longer at the place you go to in your quite time, you don’t have to conjure up SELF=YOU in your ‘me time’ away from the hassle and bustle of a day. You will become aware that SELF=YOU is with you. A little spooky I know, stay with me....Once you understand that the SELF=YOU is with you all the time, your  SELF=YOU moves unto the teenage stage. Rebellion or what!!! The SELF=YOU not only walks with you, but decides what it won’t do from what it will do. SELF=YOU gets it’s VOICE. This SELF=YOU that you have spent time nurturing, feeding , taking out for walks now has a say. SELF=YOU will begin to question certain aspects of your life, there will be rules, there will be things people can and can no longer do to  or ask you to do. The teenager SELF=YOU won’t allow it. At this stage, certain people will still be getting away with behaviours towards you that you do not like, but as SELF=YOU isn’t grown. It’s hard to dis allow it. Here you are still allowing some people in your life to dis-respect you, treat you badly and even use you. The ‘bad’ behaviour you allow is easy, because you are not treating yourself or SELF=YOU with as much respect as it needs, it’s only a teenager after all, it is not a grown adult. I say that with tongue in cheek. Remember me telling you how badly I would treat my body, running from one job to the next, allowing managers and colleagues to treat me terribly, in the name of trying to follow a career? Remember that one manager I had, who treated me like a five year old? My SELF=YOU was a teenager then. At this stage you are aware that certain behaviours towards you is not right, but you appear powerless to do anything about them. You tend not to rock the boat at this stage, leaving things as they are, hoping things will get better. Teenage self esteem is easily dampen, so you bow your head and walk on. There is no whistle blower in you, if it an’t right, someone else will notice. This may be what you think, but deep down inside, you are not happy. You are not happy with the way you are being treated. You are not happy with what you see going on in your personal life as well as your work life. The teenage SELF=YOU doesn’t  miss a trick, they are aware of most things. It becomes a `don’t feel quiet right’  thing with you now, you begin to sense when things are not the way they should be or a little `off’ . It’s that quieting yourself and going within, that’s done it. Friends, colleagues and family members will begin to see a change in you, as you begin to voice your opinion on certain things, you are changing, you are beginning to value SELF=YOU more. Your self worth has grown up, just a tad. The more you allow your new teenage SELF=YOU to emerge the more people around you will change. Have you heard the saying `you can’t change people, you have to change you’? Look around you, people teach you how to treat them. If you have a friend who, although s/he is an adult, acts like a child, you will find that someone in the group (if it’s not you) acts like the guardian for that person? Or  you’ll have someone who decides where you are all going for the night out, s/he arranges this or that, you all just go along with it, following behind like little ducklings. That person taught you that they are the boss, and the child-friend taught you that you all need to look after him/her.

Back to the teenage SELF=YOU People around you will accommodate the changing you. Why? Because we teach people how to treat us. Your teenage  SELF=YOU will begin to contemplate life, you will begin to blogs, you start realising that there has got to be more to life than what you are doing. You may begin to withdraw from people who try to pull you back to your old ways. For me that was work like a dog and say nothing of the way I and others were being treated. I also use to give my ALL , sometimes leaving myself with little or none. That could be time, money or energy. I use to put up with things that today, those people who use to take from me, wouldn’t dare ask, and no, it doesn’t always come with age!

As you grow your SELF=YOU becomes an adult. Here you merge into your SELF=YOU and stand for something. Here you have taught people how to treat you, you no longer worry about rocking the boat, if you are anything like me, you’ve rocked the boat and tipped it upside down. You will begin to take a chance in life, seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. 

No longer will you put up and shut up. You give SELF=YOU It’s own price tag. [NO CRAP HERE] It does not matter what age you arrive here, you will begin to live your life on your terms, and all who are with you will stay. All those who are not will go. This may cause you to shed a tear, but you won’t be grabbing them back. If you did, you wouldn’t be able to live with your new adult SELF=YOU as it would be incongruent to how you live your life now.

Please bear in mind, this includes everybody in your life. Your children, as always will try and push boundaries but, as you now know where the line starts and ends. Your new SELF=YOU will not stand for it, and will take steps to correct their behaviour.

The Adult  SELF=YOU knows and feels when something is not right in any environment you enter, this SELF=YOU will no longer stand for situations that disrupt your equilibrium, if it don’t feel right you will try to change the situation or leave. It’s as simple as that. Here’s an example. You are in a meeting, what the speaker is saying goes against what you believe is right, appropriate or relevant. Good manners may permit you to remain until the end, if it does not, your adult SELF=YOU will leave. You may also follow that up with letting the relevant person in charge of the event, know that you did not agree with what had been said. Your adult SELF=YOU will not allow you to sit down and shut up. This adult SELF=YOU has no time for lightly treading. At this stage you are in pursuit of your passion, if you have not already found it. You then shift, maneuver your life, some of which will come kicking and screaming to where you are able to follow your passion. You at last realise that a SELF=YOU that follows their passion is a calmer, nicer SELF=YOU. A SELF=YOU that makes time for the important people in their lives. There is no more, working late at the office or over the weekend to get the bosses proposal done. If it cannot be done within the working hours you set, or the allocated time , the work has to wait or be given to someone else. This Adult SELF=YOU aims to live a life in service to others. Remember your passion is always some thing you do for others. This adult SELF=YOU lives life on your terms.

Right, with that said, where are you on this journey? Have you acknowledged or agreed that consciousness + Body = Self and that you protray different selves depending on your environment. We counted at least 7 in one day, from Morning SELF to relaxing SELF. We noted that some labels will stay with us for a life time, Just left on the kitchen table for a night out while you be a different SELF=YOU. I asked you to be still how was it for you?

Can you bear to be still for ten minutes? Dropping off all the labels you , your family, your friends and society has attached to you?

Perhaps you can sit for ten minutes allowing only a few labels to be dropped. Let me know which ones you can easily let go of. It will tell you something about yourself.

Look over your life, have you just lived it as somebodies something? (Daughter, Son, Parent or Friend) Does your SELF=YOU get a look in? or is it buried underneath all the labels assigned to it? Deep I Know.

In this blog, you got to work seeking out the newborn SELF=YOU, toddler SELF=YOU when you got to the teenager SELF=YOU you began to speak. You spoke about what you will do, and what you won’t do, you felt when things were wrong, but was powerless to do anything about it. People began to change around you as you changed. They had no choice but to change. Then you met the adult SELF=YOU. This SELF=YOU is all you want to be. Setting boundaries in all aspects of your life. Living life on you terms, craving out your own space in your  household, and letting all around you know the new YOU that you intend to be. Here you began to seek out and follow your passion. Living life with purpose.

Where are you along this journey, take heart that you have at least started to realised your full potential and that you are heading in the right  direction.

I send you Love and wish that you live your life holistically.


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