23rd February 2020
The following blog is an extract from my up coming book- (Love Live Holistically - The concept of Self Love) and will concern itself with taking care of ones self which will aid the way you show up in the world...How you act towards others and how you feel and care or not care for yourself.
The feelings of being in love, can be described in as many different ways as there are people to describe it. To describe how you would treat a person you love or in love with can be summed up, for me at least, in the word 'Care'. One can imagine the care that would, will or have bestowed on the person or persons they love. One can assume that as much care as possible is taken to ensure that persons' happiness. It is easy to consider the love we have for others, animals and inanimate objects....My love for my God and family members are ineffable. This chapter aims to compare the love and care we show others, to the love and care we show ourselves. It also aims to show that, depending on where a person 'rank' themselves in the hierarchy of importance will show the amount of care and love afforded for themselves.
This chapter assumes that we care about ourselves, it also assumes that we live in hope that our future selves will be happier than we are now.
In my book SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter ) I give an example of the love I have of my two favourite inanimate objects, that is the bust of Harriett Tubman and one of Fredrick Douglas. I explain how I felt when I was 'presented' with Harriett Tubman, I tell the reader that when I got her to my mothers home in Jamaica (Where the bust was commissioned and crafted) I put her in pride of place, front and centre of my mothers living room, I go on to tell, how she was wrapped carefully and placed in my suitcase for the journey to England.
On arrival home I describe how she is was unwrapped, dusted and placed 'front and centre' in my living room. I mention the wait for the bust of Fredrick Douglas to arrive in England, as it travelled with my brother and who lived over 150 miles away from me, so I asked my son to collect it, as he was visiting other family members. I insisted that he take a picture of it, before bringing it to me when he returned home. I could go on about how I felt when the bask arrived, how I unwrapped it slowly, dusted it and placed it beside the bask of Harriet Tubman. Now the mere fact that I relished writing my feelings of my basks should alert you to the fact that I love them. My basks are inanimate objects and although I enjoy looking after and at them, I am in ore of the strength, courage and determination of these two figures. I think I have written up a storm regarding my two favourite objects! What's your favourite object? This could be a piece of jewellery, a car, a picture etc. The reason for the question is to prompt you into conjuring up the feelings you covertly hold for this object. Secondly think of how you care for the object. Often this object is kept in a dry clean place, a place of honour, maybe, where it can be seen by visitors as they enter your home. Perhaps it is only taken out on special occasions. This item is held in high esteem in your home, members of your family and close friends know how you feel about it, and all have seen it. The feeling you have summoned, should be felt about yourselves, easier said than done for most.In (SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter 5 Self Love) I give a few tips on working towards loving yourself 1st - Beware of how you have allowed others to treat you. Disclaimer: Please note that the following comments assume you are a consulting able bodied adult - If someone is taking advantage of you, you will not feel good about yourself. If you are being ill treated you will not feel good about yourself. If you are being spoken to or treated with disrespect you will not feel good. I understand that you can not stop disrespect coming out the mouth of others, but once it has come out and directed at you! You can and should do something about it.....If you 'nip it in the bud' early, or better yet, the first time you hear or feel it, un-favoured treatment will not continue. Ok.....as always, it's easier said than done. Not many people in an abusive relationship, will tell you that the relationship started off abusive. You will find that the abusive person started off by testing the waters, they needed to find out how far they could push the boundaries. While the boundaries are being pushed they are paying close attention to your reaction. They have to find out how they can treat you, like a toddler or teenager who pushes boundaries (to see what they can get away with) In this instance you, yes you tell your perpetrator what is acceptable and what is not. Often the abuse starts off with flippant comments which could be disguised as jokes! Perhaps this person speaks a little bit louder than usual when 'upset'. Turning a blind eye, laughing off cured jokes or ignoring a raised voice , alerts the abuser that these seemingly minor acts of aggression and disrespect are ok.These acts will be tested out in private then in public, and the more frequent they are allowed to get away with this behaviour, the more they will display it. I will give you a good sign post that will let you know that you've allowed disrespect to go on far too long....Consider that you are about to go out with this person (perhaps to a gathering) you find yourself wishing and hoping they do not embarrasses you in front of people you know or your family members! Ring a bell???? Remember this disrespect or un-favoured behaviour can be coming from your own adult child. So you have been out together and either you have become immune to the disrespect or you feel that a little 'banter' is alright......You become defensive when a colleague, friend or family member tells you that they felt a little a little uneasy by the way your abuser spoke to you. The abuse, disrespect or ill treatment becomes a little more intensified, but this will be just a little...they wouldn't want to share you off completely...Perhaps this person in your life begins to throw things, at the floor, at the wall, Perhaps what they are throwing at the walls or doors is actually their fists....Can you see where allowing this person to continue that type of behaviour could escalate. Where is the self love in accepting abusive, disrespectful behaviour from another? Think of a couple that you really admire? I'll go first...President and Dr Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Stedman I admire the people in these relationships, I can not profess to know what goes on behind close doors, but I believe that they respect each other. I am not sure if Dr Michelle Obama had 'put down' her husband on a constant basis he would have become the 44th President of the USA. I am not sure if Oprah was being constantly disrespected by Stedman she would be the strong Woman she is today. As I said I do not know what goes on behind close doors but one can assume there is a level of respect that is shared between these two couples and their partners.
The 2nd thing mentioned in (SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter 5,Self Love) in-order to aid you in your quest to loving yourself, is to be aware of how you speak about yourself.
Consider what you say and think about yourself?
Is it often good, bad or you've never really paid attention of how you think about you.
What do you often say about you? Some examples
I'm just a wreck
I'm never good at things like that
I'm always late
Nothing ever goes right or works out for me.
We'll get on to what we think and say about our own bodies later.
Anything you say or think about yourself should be positive. Anything said after ‘I AM’ must be positive, even if you are feeling unwell, your answer to the question 'how do you feel'? should be ‘I am hoping to feel better soon’ 'This will take some doing, it will take practice of being aware of how you speak, think and feel about yourself. What you say will be a minute by minute task. I can tell you it is certainly worth it. You will feel better about yourself, people around you will instinctively know how you wish to be treated. Feeling or knowing that you are just as important as any person you interact with is very liberating. I say this after being put down, putting myself down, treating myself badly, allowing others to treat me badly and far too weak to do anything about it. When you begin to see yourself on the same level as others, you will begin' [to love yourself] (SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter 5,Self Love) to start loving yourself.
Start today - Before you make a comment about you - STOP and think how you can I make this statement about me Positive?
As I said this will be a minute by minute exercise. Saying things like i'm tried may be the truth, but I want you to consider how you'll ensure your body isn't as tried as it was when you made the statement . Again we'll consider the body later. 'I am fed up' - What's made you fed up. I know this could be a myriad of things . The wider picture has you considering your life. 'I am tried and fed up' were a constant thought in my mind as my life had me living from monthly salary to monthly salary, even when I when I did get paid it didn't alleviate my tiredness because I would have to work just as hart the following month. I lived in a vicious circle of work hard, be tried, get paid and worry about not having enough.
Self love would have allowed me to stop, think about my options. for example, a better paying job may alleviate the (fed up) the worry over money. A better paying job may allow me to work less hours - thus not making me so tried. Common sense would tell you that getting a better paid job may stop you feeling fed up and tired, but Self love will put those thoughts into action, so much quicker.There is nothing selfish about caring for yourself, ensuring you come first (some of the time. Consider this. Do you know some one who appears calm in most situations, that same person may not have a lot of drama in their life, (or they don't talk about it) Why is that? The reason is, whatever they do or get involved in, they consider themselves. They do the maths! They consider the amount of time and effort they may have to put in and come to a conclusion that - 'me running to help you with your drama is going to cost me more than I can afford' which equals Not worth it. 'me going out with you tonight is going to leave me tried for work tomorrow' which equals Not worth it. There is nothing selfish about the maths equation above - This is Self Love, Self Care and Self Preservation. Do what you can, when you can, to all the time you can, but if it is going to cost you more in diminished health and Self Care, your answer has to be NO. (We will get on to saying NO and feeling guilty in another chapter).
We have spoken about what we tell ourselves, and how we teach people to how to treat us.
I now want to ask this question, why is it so easy for us to offer ourselves negative self talk, accept verbal abusive, but find it so hard to accept compliments, accolades or praise, responding to rarely given compliments with a 'oh it was nothing' you do realise that the 'it' in that throw away comment, diminishes all the hard work and effort you applied in-order to warrant the compliment?
In my book (SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter 5 Self Love) I propose the answer to this question lays in the fact that we do not rank ourselves as high or as valid as others, or we give the situation we attend to, embark on, tackle or go through more importance. The other reason I feel that we find it hard to accept compliments is the fear of appearing egotistical, not humble, pretentious or arrogant. A thought has just occurred to me, please indulge me for a moment, think of a person you admire for their great business sense, this can be someone famous or someone you know (This could even be your Boss) This person in your eyes have made their money from hard work, good sense and determination. Now consider them entering a room in which you and others are waiting. What feeling do you think you will experience as they enter the room? Stay with that for a while. What words spring to mind to describe this feeling? Proud, a feeling of dignitary, honour and respect. Now consider how this person will react when given a compliment for their hard work in making a multi million pound company. I don't believe this person will become a striking violet, put their hands over their mouth trying to hide a smile, than say 'oh it was nothing' or go on to explain that ' it didn't take as much work as you would think' They are likely to say thank you or to add their team to the compliment, they may say, 'It took a team to accomplish this' At no point will they diminish their hard work, sleepless nights or the potential loss of millions, with a dismissive or flippant comment. Why do we do it every-time we are given a compliment? Again we don't see ourselves or our efforts as compliment worthy. This has to STOP in order to love ourselves.
Quoted in (SELF=YOU (2018), Angela Scott, Amazon, Chapter 5 Self Love) is a warning from Deepak Chopra, not to brush away compliments or reject other people’s appreciation. We are to, let others compliment us and bask in other people’s approval when it comes our way.
Among Deepak Chopras (tips for loving yourself just as you are (June 2015) he lists what to do to be kind to yourself:- YOU MUST
Let others compliment you.
Bask in other people’s approval when it comes your way.
Be gentle with yourself over small mistakes.
Value who you are and stand up for yourself.
Get to know yourself like a friend.
Be easy about your personal quirks.'
To love ones self is to stand along ourselves as an aviator and consider if we treat inanimate objects better than we treat ourselves. We should be aware of what we say to ourselves when no one is listening or when s*** happens. We are to stay alert to the way we act or react to what others say to us, and to realise that we are an entity that needs and deserve to be held in as high esteem as we hold others.
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