29th April 2016

Who’s holding you back?

(I suppose you have to blame someone)

Looking back, we tackled five negative things stopping you from making a living from what you are passionate about. I told you about the five needs I felt I had to full fill. Then we back tracked and tried to find what you was passionate about, I asked was it baking, doing hair or like me writing. We went on an up hill struggle where you was told to STOP STAYING THERE. Then faith was discussed without works, a few great people showed how passion could be borne out of pain and you was told what not to do with Gifts!

Now we will get back to finding and following your passion. – First Nobody can stand in the way of your destiny, once you put your mind to finding and making a living from your passion. But there are some people who will drain you of your passion pulling power – These are the people we allow close to us. Let’s give them a name, they are called Friends and Family members.

At this point I would like to make a disclaimer…..If the cap fits, wear it.  

From here on in you are going to do some work, some real soul searching.

I believe that there are three types of friends/family members that help or hinder your progress in finding and following your passion.

Type A – This person is classed as a confidant, this person is with you through rain and sunshine, this person may not have anything to give you, but you can count on them being there for you. They will cry with you and will laugh with you. They will reason with you and tell you if they think you are wrong. This person holds your secrets and you theirs. This person is a mum, dad, brother and sister all rolled into one and will always be. She/he genuinely wishes you well in anything you decide to do. This person does not ask anything from you, but is willing to give should you ask – you’ll find that you do not have that ‘lend/borrow’ type of relationship with this person because she/he will often be there to tell you ‘Don’t buy that, because you won’t have enough to pay that tax bill when it comes in’.

This is the person you tell your dreams and aspiration to. You tell this person that you want to follow your dreams, even if it sounds way out there. This is the type of person who will say ‘Go for it, if you think it could work’ and will genuinely mean it.

Please feel free to add to the description of a Type A person you know, in the comments or via emailloveliveholistically@gmail.com

Type B This Person is in your life for one reason and one reason only – To fulfill their needs.

Their need for friendship

Their need for money (Oh that’s a big one)

Their need for advice

Their need for friendship comes in the form of ‘well she/he seems nice, so I’ll hang around with her/him’. In doing this, they show the world that they are not all bad, because they have a friend in you – Ring any bells? Don’t worry it will become clearer as we go on. I’m not going to say that I am a perfect friend, what I will say is I am loyal, trustworthy and will do anything in my power to help. Because of these qualities I attach Type Bpeople – As mentioned earlier I am single mother, I have had six children – with that knowledge, why would anybody possibly ask me for money. I’ve never understood how someone could see me struggling and ask me to lend them money. I am a psychologist and this still baffles me. The answer is, they are Type B people. They don’t care what your problem is, they are in your life to fulfill their needs.

Type B people will take your last penny and not care that you have to walk home, they will even give you directions on which path to take.

I have been so loyal or stupid that on several occasions, I have given away my last penny. Then thought of the story in the bible of the five wise virgins.

The story is taken from Matthew 25 New King James Version (NKJV)

The Parable of the Wise and Foolish Virgins

25 “Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2 Now five of them were wise, and five were foolish. 3 Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them, 4 but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. 5 But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept.

6 “And at midnight a cry was heard: ‘Behold, the bridegroom is coming, go out to meet him!’ 7 Then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps. 8 And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ 9 But the wise answered, saying, ‘No, lest there should not be enough for us and you; but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves.’ 10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the wedding; and the door was shut.

On another occasion I had given someone my last ten pounds. If you live in England you may be aware the Electric/Gas key meter, - Here you pay for your gas or electric before using it, you load the key or card with the amount you intend to use and insert it into the respective meter. After handing over my last tenner (£10) I ran out of electric. I could not keep the children in the dark, and although it pained me to go and ask someone to lend me money, I went to my Type A person who lent me the money, not before she gave me an old African saying that I will never forget, she said ‘You gave away your vagina and you are nine month pregnant.’ In other words, you don’t give away something you are defiantly going to need.

The moral of these two stories, for me, is that I had been a foolish pregnant virgin!!!

Type B people will never lend you money, because they never have any. Type B people will never remember your birthday, you’ll never get a card let alone a present. But they will always remind you of their birthday and of their childrens’ birthday if they have any.

Any friend of mine, and I can count them on one hand, will tell you that I disappear every now and then, I do not contact them for months at a time, then when we meet up, its like we had never been apart. My friends don’t drop in unannounced and realize that I don’t always answer my phone. It doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten them. They know that should they have an emergency, I’ll be there.Type B people seek out that type of personality, when they have a problem and need advice.

The conversation will start with you saying Hello and that is about all you’ll get to say, because they have an issue. (and they always have an issue) The Type Bperson will go on and one about their recent trail or tribulation and at the end, will expect your advice.

Here’s one example of a friend of mine who felt the world had stop spinning because she got a letter from the tax office. The letter said that she owed x amount. Now, this friend pays all her bills on time every time. She stated that she didn’t owe any money because she paid her bill yesterday and does not know why she was sent this letter. Now you and I know that the tax office just spat out a general ‘You owe us’ letter that crossed with her payment. My friend was beside herself. I stood there thinking girl, if you had 0000.00001% of my problems you’d get out my face and allowing me to go cry somewhere. In fact I was thinking I hope the bailiff don’t come knocking again, while you’re here.

The Type B person will know that you’ve had the bailiff come to your house, but won’t care, because you’re in their lives for their benefit, and their issues are larger than yours.

I often have friends call me with the most trivial (well compared to my issues) problems:

Man trouble – He hasn’t called “he just left you ten minutes ago, maybe he is on the tube, maybe his battery has died”

I need money for this or that – I am thinking, you’ve got a roof over your head, that is fully paid for, you’ve got food in your cupboards you’ve got gas and electricity. Me other the other hand has had the bailiff enter my home, document what I’ve got, insisted on £485.00 on the spot or they are not leaving. Plus I am looking at the eviction letter that was delivered this morning. Again none of this matters, why?, Because that was a Type B person.

The Type B person will always state that they have a bigger problem than you. You will mention that you have a head ache and they will tell you that they have had to go to the doctor, because they think they have a brain haemorrhage. You are going to buy a car, they are having their new car imported from somewhere other than the country you are in. You are going abroad, they will be going to two different counties by the end of the year. Now hear me well, I do not tell people I am going abroad if I am not, I do not say I am going to buy something, if I am not. I do not boast about things, if you are my friend. You know what life has been like for me, I have no need to boast. I do not understand why Type B people have the need to boast. I know most of the events of your life, because I have been there. Unless you’ve won the lottery or started to believe in the law of attraction and not told me, you are not going aboard or having a car imported. There is no need to boast or try to ‘one up ‘ me. I wonder, do they think it is a challenge on whose got the worst pain? I have no other reason to tell you I have a head ache other than, to tell you I have a head ache. I suppose I have kept these people in my life in order to see if they will change, There is no changing a Type B person who doesn’t want to change themselves. Maybe I have been trying to make them into a half decent Type A person, not gonna happen – Why? because they are only in your life to fulfill their own needs.

Please feel free to add to the description of a Type B person you know, in the comments or via emailloveliveholistically@gmail.com

Then we have the Type C person – This person keeps you in their life because, they may need you at some stage in their life. Or they are family members (getting personal now isn’t it). The Type C person does not come around often, they are just present… you’ll see them at parties and family gatherings. They don’t sever ties with you completely as they may need you at some point in their lives, and if the Type C person is a family member, should you ask for help, they will feel obligated to give it, for no other reason other than, you are family.

Type C person has traits of a Type A person (a) they’ll help in a real crisis and as a Type B person (b) they don’t really care for your issues, plus you are distant enough for it not to have any real impact on their lives. Should you get talking to a Type C person, they too will try and ‘one up ‘ you. Why? They don’t really care what you are doing or where you are going. I remember saying to a Type C person, “You know, I am so tried” I had worked the night shift (waking night). I left my night shift at 8.30am and got to my day job at 8.50am, where I worked until 2pm – got home at 2.30pm, did some house work, answered some mail, showered, ate and went to sleep at 3.45pm only to wake at 7pm to attend my night shift and do it all over again. My Type C person said she had done a ‘sleep in’ at work and she also felt tired. Believe me when I say, I am only telling you how I feel, I am not trying to prove that I am more tried than you.

Type B and C person will do most of the talking, as their interest is their own lives, not yours. Don’t misunderstand me, all types have love in their hearts, they are your friends after all! and you will witness Type B and C people act like a Type A person, to their other friends and family….just not with you.

Please feel free to add to the description of a Type C person you know, in the comments or via emailloveliveholistically@gmail.com

What Type are you? Be honest loveliveholistically@gmail.com

What type has been draining you, remember any one of these types could be your wife/husband, son/daughter. Don’t just put all family members in the Type C category.

What type of persons do you have close enough to you, that they manage to stop you concentrating on your passion and goals?

What type of persons do you talk to about your dreams and aspirations? Beware of who you share this with.

I’m lucky, I’ve had so many different businesses, jobs and moved so often, that when I tell my friends that I am doing something new they all say ‘oh, I see’. No one challenges me – why? The Type A person in my life is wishing I’d settle some where and stick to one thing, always wishing me luck. The Type B people – Don’t really care, if it’s a new job maybe I’ll be earning more money. So they can ask for more, more often. And the Type C person – Just need to know my new address/phone number….Why? because they have got to keep me just close enough in case they need me in the future.

Now comes the work

You are going to have to put distance between you and all the Type B people in your life, (you know you have more than one) if you are to get ahead. You will have to put a stop to any one – Man, woman or child that is draining you of your passion pulling power.

If the main Type B person in your life is your partner, you need to explain what you intend to do, letting them know how and where they can help you follow your dream. You will need to be precise in your instructions and stick to it.

If the your Type B person is a family member, grown up child, sister, brother, cousin or someone you feel is your ‘best friend’! Who drains you financially. You need to come right out and say, Tom, Dick or Harriet – I am unable to help you financially as I am pursuing my writing passion or my beauty passion or my baking passion. The hard part comes, the day you have to say ‘NO’ when you are asked for financial help, and they will ask. You may not even get through your whole speech, that you’ve practiced for a week, before they ask to lend a fiver (£5) to get home. You are going to have to set boundaries and practice some ‘tough love’. This is imperative to your growth. Need help? loveliveholistically@gmail.com

The challenges

You will need to surround yourself with like minded people. loveliveholistically@gmail.com You are going to find challenges along the road of finding and following your passion. But it will be so much calmer without a Type B person constantly draining you of your energy.

No one said this was going to be easy, it will be challenging. But the rewards are limitless. . I have taken leaps of ““faith”” that have found me swimming for my life. But I got to shore and started all over again. I did it with six children in tow, if I can do it you can too.

Check out the video below to see who had challenges following their passion

This may the first time in your life that you are going to put yourself first. You are going to do something for you. For many, this will be challenging as they have always been somebody’s something. Somebody’s Son, Daughter, Mother, Father, Wife, Husband or even somebody’s Type A person. You will need to become a little selfish in your efforts of pursuing your passion.

I believe, we all carry a little A B or C traits in us, that is why the saying, Like attracts like is so evident here. Just make sure you are not somebody’s Type B person.

Alone time

You will need to use your alone time to figure out how you will offer your passion to others.

You will need to use your alone time to learn your skill inside out.

You will need to do some reading, you should try and find out as much as you can about your passion. You are about to enter a different world as you start seeking knowledge about what you are passionate about. You will begin to attract people who are willing to help you. Keep your eyes and ears open and you will begin to see offers relating to your passion.

Your passion has been seeking you for years, this is why, when you begin to seek it, opportunities start to open up for you, things just appear to fall into place….But you must be ready and willing to follow where your passion leads you.

Here’s a few people who followed their passion and look where it led them! They all kept a positive attitude.

Al "Bubba" Baker

Baker, a Pro Bowl defensive end in the NFL, always loved food--especially barbecue--and in an interview he said that he was "always cooking". After retirement, he launched a successful barbecue restaurant, and patented a way to debone spare ribs.

Debbi Fields

Fields was only 20 years old when she started selling homemade chocolate cookies—which ultimately grew into Mrs. Fields, in 390 locations around the United States and 4,000 employees.

Bill Gates

Long before creating Microsoft, he was an amateur programmer who was passionate enough about computers that in the eighth grade, he managed to get excused from math class to design things like early video games.

J.K. Rowling

For Rowling, following her passion even through poverty turned out to be the right choice. In 2004, Forbes named Rowling as the first person to become a billionaire by writing books.

Walt Disney

What did Disney spend his time doing while growing up? Well, working--but also drawing, from an early age. He was pretty young when he sold his first drawing (of a neighbor's horse). Disney launched several unsuccessful animation companies before coming up with Mickey Mouse in 1928.

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A look at what you do for a living, using examples from my life, that is, being a single mother at 17, being evicted from homes, enduring domestic violence to gaining an Honours degree in Psychology. I went on to study a Masters in Counselling psychology and PhD, to helping others find and follow their passion regardless of what life has thrown at them.